Why Do We Self-Sabotage, & How Do We Stop?

Summary

In this episode, Layla Dawn explores the concept of self-sabotage, delving into its psychological roots and offering practical strategies for overcoming it. She discusses how subconscious fears, childhood trauma, and limiting beliefs contribute to self-sabotaging behaviors. The conversation emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and provides actionable steps to break the cycle of self-sabotage, including journaling, cognitive reframing, and celebrating small wins.

Takeaways

Self-sabotage is a subconscious attempt to protect oneself.
Common forms of self-sabotage include procrastination and perfectionism.
Fear of success can be as paralyzing as fear of failure.
Childhood trauma often leads to self-sabotaging patterns in adulthood.
Building self-awareness is crucial in identifying self-sabotage.
Cognitive reframing can help change negative thought patterns.
Celebrating small wins reinforces positive behavior.
Accountability partners can help maintain progress.
Journaling aids in recognizing and addressing self-sabotaging thoughts.
Overcoming self-sabotage is an ongoing journey, not a one-time fix.

Sound Bites

"Celebrate your wins."
"Be your own hype man."
"You're not broken."

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Self-Sabotage
06:33 The Roots of Self-Sabotage
14:10 Overcoming Self-Sabotage
25:43 Practical Steps to Break the Cycle

Links

Celebrate = https://youtu.be/ZV3S2kHEHvg?si=syklPupeFcoS1SYb

Change = https://youtu.be/W3k8Xu8Pd5I?si=5jwGva-BMYrT1NF_

Negative Thoughts = https://youtu.be/ZV3S2kHEHvg?si=l4091QZPqyvB0Ejn

Imposter Syndrome = https://youtu.be/fnLkrGVJ-U0?si=VG5EPEo_SVZZ0nUG

Transcript

0:00

Have you ever had a big opportunity right in front of you? A dream job? interview, promising relationship or... or the chance to finally step into your life the way you've always wanted to. only to watch yourself somehow mess up? Maybe you procrastinated until it was too late. picked a fight, skipped a deadline, or convinced yourself that you weren't ready. That's called self-sabotage. And it doesn't mean you're lazy, broken, or unmotivated. It means your subconscious is trying to protect you in the worst way possible. Today we're gonna unpack why we get in our own way. what the science and metaphysics both have to say about it. and how we can finally break the cycle. Hi friends, welcome to the Do Live podcast where we talk about life, its challenges and some clever ways to tackle some common obstacles with cutting edge technology, science-based research and a splash amount of physical properties. I'm your host Life Coach Layla and today we're diving into something that all of us have probably struggled with at least in some point in our lives, and that is self-sabotage. What is self-sabotage? In definition, It's any thought, pattern, or behavior that blocks us from achieving what we say we want. and the root cause of self-sabotage primarily stems from fears, subconscious fears, like a fear of success, a fear of failure, abandonment, low self-esteem. and unresolved trauma from childhood or past unresolved issues. These deep seated experiences can lead to... to feeding behaviors often unconsciously. as a way to maintain a sense of control or align. with negative core beliefs about one's self-worth. Other contributing factors can include limiting self beliefs. perfectionism and an undeveloped coping mechanism. common forms and ways that this manifests in our everyday life is procrastination, perfectionism, overthinking, waiting until I'm ready. avoiding conflict and picking the wrong partners or jobs and over and over and over again. We'll talk a little bit more about like the toxic relationship and job patterns that you see in a lot of people, including ourselves. Some other examples are like a writer who really wants to write a book, but... never submits a manuscript. or the professional who works really hard to get that promotion and then starts forgetting deadlines. or that person that ghosts the love of their lives the minute that they sense some sort of like deep attraction or attachment or breaks up with someone over the dumbest reason. It's like having one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. You're just, you're there, you know? You wanna do the thing, but you can't do the thing. So why do we do it? So why do we do it? So why do we do this? We talked about some of the deep-seated psychological roots. There's your fear failure that if I fail, I'll be seen as weak. I'll be seen. I'll be exposed. your fear of success. I'm guilty of a fear of success because I was afraid that being more successful would mean that I would be more busy. And I'm already really busy. So being more busy is pretty terrifying. But in hindsight, being more successful would mean that I would have the ability to delegate some tasks to other people so essentially I would be less busy. So that fear is irrational. Another part of being afraid of success is you think people will expect more of you. or you'll miss out on more relationships or love or family if that's the case. And again, depending on what you do and where success lies, it may give you more time with your family and your loved ones. So we'll talk about dissecting some of these fears a little later and see like, do they hold any weight? Are they real? And my favorite phrase is what is... What if the opposite were true? What if your fear of success comes from the thought process that you'll be too busy being successful to spend time with your family? And then you break it down and you realize that that came from watching your parents work all the time and not being able to spend time with you. And that realistically in your position, in your career, that if you become successful, you'll actually have more time with your family. So break it down, dissect, is this really real? What are some other fears? Not really a fear, but like if you have low self-worth. Like if you don't believe you're worthy of happiness or success. You may unconsciously create failure. to confirm those negative beliefs about yourself. Some people are afraid to get out of their comfort zone. The brain prefers familiar, even if familiar is painful, like a toxic job or partnership. And then, I know we briefly said this earlier, but If you have limiting beliefs and negative self-talk, core beliefs. that you're not good enough or excessive self-criticism. can fuel sabotaging actions. And then if you have a high level of perfectionism. setting unrealistically high standards. can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and ultimately preventing attempts at progress. which also ties into imposter syndrome. And I did a whole episode on that. I'll link it in the show notes. So your brain's amygdala is wired to detect change because change equals threats. I actually did an episode on change. I debate on bringing that episode up because somebody told me that it was like aggressive and it felt like I was attacking them. And so I'm like, well, I don't want anyone to feel like I'm attacking you for any reason, but yeah, my, my episode on change talks about a lot of the, the neurological reasons that we want to stay in the same situations or same patterns and cycles. But yeah, another reason we might self-sabotage is our attachment styles. I thought about doing an entire episode on attachment styles, but I think it's just, that's a little out of my element that it's not very self-help. It's just information, I guess. But there's three main attachment styles and all of them can be linked. to some type of self-sabotage because you've got your first one is anxious attachment and you might self-sabotage relationships by clinging too tightly or testing. which ultimately pushes them away. Or you can have avoidant attachment. Hi, that's me. People like me with avoidant attachment run away from opportunities or closeness because intimacy feels threatening. And then you've got your disorganized attachment, which is common with a lot of people with. childhood trauma. and it creates a push-pull dynamic. You want love and success, but fear it and you self-sabotage so you can push it away. It's kind of like a cat. I want affection. No, just kidding, no I don't. That's how my brain correlates the two. and then there's secure attachment by contrast. builds resilience and healthier coping strategies leading to... making self-sabotage less likely. And while we're on the subject of childhood trauma, Studies in psychology show links between childhood trauma and... self-sabotaging patterns. early adverse experiences like neglect or abuse or growing up in a chaotic household. teaches the nervous system that the world is in sync. As adults, this can show up as a fear of stability or success. because stability feels foreign. For example, if attention always came with strings attached, you might unconsciously sabotage healthy relationships. studies like the ACEs, the adverse childhood experiences. higher levels of perfectionism, procrastination, and self-sabotaging behaviors in adults with higher trauma scores. I saw a video the other day of normal babies. playing and exploring in a controlled environment. And then it showed traumatized babies in the same controlled environment, terrified to play. They're not playing blocks. They're not exploring what's in front of them or around them. They're looking around to make sure that they're safe and you can see the fear and the stress on their faces. And it almost made me cry. I wanted to... take the babies and scoop them up and hug them and love them and make sure they never had to feel scared like that again. And it's very triggering, but I say that, I bring that up because when you're in an environment that feels safe, you're more adapted to learn and grow and develop. And that's not to say that traumatized children are underdeveloped, but in certain areas, there's a lot more delay than children who grew up in a safe environment. And to overcome that is... is astonishing. And so if you are one of those people who grew up in a not great environment and you have, you know, childhood trauma and you have overcome, then, you know, I commend you because it's hard. and I don't want to continue to bring that up, but... But what does this mean for survival? basically your subconscious brain learns survival mechanisms early on. So self-sabotage isn't random. It's just an, it's just your brain's outdated way of protection. So what does this look like in everyday life? So in your career, you missed deadlines, you put off working on projects. You avoid applying to jobs and you don't negotiate salary. in a relationship setting, you push people away, you pick fights. You choose unavailable partners. sabotage the relationship when things get too good or comfortable? in your health, you choose reckless decisions when it comes to eating. You put off diet and exercise or you quit before it even gets to become a habit. in your financial life, it can look like overspending, can look like paying off a credit card bill and then racking it right back up. And just want to say that I'm guilty of all of these things. at some point in my life and I was able to recognize my patterns and see how they were affecting me. but I will say it's much easier to recognize them from an outside perspective. And I wish I would have had a coach or someone to work with at the time Because it would have expedited my recovery process. And I mean, just the other day I had a breakthrough moment with my coach and I was talking to her and I said that, you know, I want to receive, I want to get all of the things I want to have the wealth and the abundance and all the things. And at the same time, I'm actively rejecting receiving. And that was just such a breakthrough moment for me to, to hear myself say those things out loud. I am a very analytical person and I will dissect a lot of thoughts and patterns and behaviors in my brain. So to say them out loud to another person has a different perspective. It's almost like the equivalent of journaling has a different thought pattern. Like it's a different thing that happens in your brain when you're writing and speaking as opposed to just thinking. So the problem solving comes a lot easier. So if you're interested tackling issues like these or something similar one-on-one, I would be more than happy to have a conversation with you. I'll leave my calendar link in the show notes below. You can book a one-on-one complimentary session with me and we'll kind of see what your next steps are. Sometimes I can help you and sometimes we need professional help from a therapist. In addition, or instead of having a life coach just depends on your situation. So I don't want to give false hope and make you think that just because you book a call and we have a conversation that, you know, we'll work together because I can't work with everybody and not everybody's at a point in their life where they're ready. And if you're not ready for coaching and you just want to know like, how are some things that you can how are some ways that you can just overcome self-sabotage on your own? Like I did for the longest time. Again, it's, when we talk about problems, I see it as a spiral. Like you are here and your problem orbits around you like a big spiral, if that makes sense. And so while you're here and you deal with self-sabotage here, You overcome it and you continue on your journey. And then all of a sudden self-sabotage shows up again, but it's not here. It's here. So it shows up. It's the same problem, but you're coming at it from a different perspective because you've grown and you've changed. And so you're able to see the pattern and the issue at a different angle as opposed to when, when it was here. So yeah, I did a lot of work by myself in this inner circle. And then once I realized it was easier with help, I moved outwards. So I still see the same patterns and problems and issues show up, but I'm coming at it from a different perspective. So when you're when you're talking and thinking about ways that you can overcome, just know that you can overcome something and have to overcome it again. that's just, that's kind of, that's how life is. And I know some people are like, well, I want to overcome self-sabotage and I don't ever want to have to deal with it again. Some things you may be able to do that with, but some things you can't. It's like trying to take a shower and get so clean. You never have to shower again. That's not how that works. And it's kind of the same thing with all of these self-help topics that I've had on my podcast. You can overcome them to a point, but there's a good chance that they might show back up again. But just trust and know that when they do show up, you're coming at it from a different perspective, you're a different person, and you can see it from different angles, which means you can tackle it on a deeper level and maybe even get to the root core of it. That's where you really see change and it's less likely to show back up is when you dive into the core And that's really hard to do on your own And so like I said, having someone to talk to or journal is, a way to just get the thoughts out of your brain. I know I've talked before about your brain is just a big black scribble. And the more you get out of your brain in the form of words to other people or words on paper, you're making space in your brain and there's less scribbles and it's not so dark. that's my fun little metaphor for that. So, ways that you can overcome self-sabotage on your own is by building an awareness to it. Noticing when the patterns show up and identifying you as self-sabotage. And one of the ways that you can do this a little easier is, you know, by journaling, like ask yourself, where am I stopping myself? What are some things that I want to do that I haven't done? What do I gain from staying stuck? So building an awareness to where you're self-sabotaging and seeing it for self-sabotage, that in and of itself will help. break those patterns and cycles. And also notice your language. I'll do this when blah, blah, blah, blah. Probably never. Or I'm not ready just yet. I wasn't ready to make this podcast for four years. And then I just made it. And I'm still not ready a year later that I've been making it. I'm still not ready to make this podcast. So listen to your words. because having an awareness is key in identifying. in changing this behavior. Step two would be reprogramming your beliefs. We mentioned how this self-sabotage can come from limiting self-beliefs and negative self-talk. So starting with cognitive reframing. shifting your thoughts from what if I fail to it's not a failure, it's a lesson. It's not a failure, it's a setback. It's not a failure, it's a change in direction. Because ultimately if something fails, it doesn't end the way you want it to, which means you have to change direction. So instead of looking at it as a failure, which is very like limited, like when I When I think of the word failure, I see a brick wall, like you just, you're stuck, you're stopped, there's nothing else. And when you reframe it to it's a change of direction, I see a road open up and then you can just go that way. So. change the way you think about the negative thoughts in your head. Now it's easier to say than do, but when you're, when you're building an awareness of these things and you're actively trying to change your self-sabotage, these are the steps that you take to make that happen. and then replace self-criticism with curiosity. What is this fear protecting me from? When you can learn to analyze and identify and break it down. Where does this come from? How long have I been doing this? Does this serve me? And don't come at it from a place of blaming or belittling or judgment. but out of pure curiosity and understanding. actively question your negative thoughts. Is this really true? What if the opposite were true? I did a whole episode on negative thinking and it's actually, it's one of my favorites. I've listened to it a bunch because it's just, it's helpful. And again, I come to the same spirals and I'm like, let me re-listen to this episode and come at it from a different perspective and a different understanding. And it's helpful. So I'll link that one in the show notes, but. Challenge your thoughts and your questions. What if the opposite were true? Is this really true? Some other things that you can do is regulate your nervous system. I've talked about nervous system regulation quite a bit because it's very integral in just like everyday life. If your nervous system is on edge, then everything kind of revolves around that. So some things that you can do. are a lot of somatic tools like breathing and meditation and shaking and tapping and grounding. and stretching. hyper focus on something. There's a lot of tools that you can do. There's a lot of nervous system hacks out there. so calming your nervous system uh helps. Unhijack your brain, basically. And the research shows that mindfulness practices shrinks the amygdala. which helps reduce fear-driven sabotage. Something else that you can do is taking micro actions. Break down the task when you identify what it is that you want to do that you're not doing. What are you procrastinating on? What are you sabotaging? Break down the task into easy micro bite-sized baby step pieces. So for example, if your goal is to write a book, the idea of writing a book is very daunting. Nobody wants to just sit down and write a book. That sounds like a lot of work. But if you commit to, I'm going to write two paragraphs. I'm going to write one paper. There's the book Atomic Habits that talks about how you can kind of break down into micro-byte size bits the things that you need to do. If going to the gym is... overwhelming than put on your shoes. I listened to a podcast earlier where a guy said that he would forget to go to the gym because he would just get busy with his day and forget that that was on his agenda. So he put his gym shoes on the toilet because that was something he did every day was go to the toilet. So when you wake up, went to the toilet, put your shoes on and then go to the gym. So I just thought that was kind of a fun reference, but micro goals. How can you break it down into baby bite-sized pieces? And then celebrate your wins. I feel like I've referenced like eight different episodes in this one, but I did an episode on celebration because we don't celebrate ourselves enough. We don't celebrate our wins. Every small accomplishment needs to be acknowledged at the very least. And even like a little, like, I will do a little happy dance. Like, yeah, I did the thing. When I press stop and I'm done recording this, even before I episode. edit it or anything, I will do a little happy dance. Yay, I did the thing because it doesn't matter if it's perfect or if it's no quality. just posted an episode a few weeks ago where I didn't check the audio, the video quality. And so I have a YouTube video up. That's just me all blurry because I was so excited to record and do the episode that I didn't check the quality. And when I was done with that episode, I did a happy dance. And you know what? When I found out that the episode was blurry, I didn't take back that happy dance. No, I still felt that accomplishment. When you reward yourself, it trains your brain to do more things. So when you break down your task into small manageable steps and reward yourself for accomplishing each of those steps, it motivates your brain to do more. which is almost like tricking your brain out of the self-sabotage cycle. And let me give you some practical steps that you can do every day. in, so number one would be visualization, daydreaming. Picture yourself actually doing the thing and being safe and accomplishing it and celebrating your win. Picture from start to finish, just quickly, not, you know, don't spend two hours daydreaming about doing the project and not two hours doing the project. spend two minutes daydreaming about doing the project and then spend two hours doing the project. So visualization is something that you can do. Picture yourself doing the thing, finishing the thing, rewarding, celebrating the thing. Number two is get an accountability partner, whether it's a coach, a mentor, a friend, a boss, somebody that can hold you accountable and help you eliminate setbacks. you have a project due and you tell your boss, hey, will you check on me in that project every day and make sure I'm making progress? mean, nobody's actually gonna do this. Nobody's actually gonna tell their boss, hey, will you make sure I'm doing my job? I'm just using this as an example that... you can have an accountability partner or somebody to help you do things. So like as a digital nomad, I have been to work groups where every Wednesday at noon, we all meet up. even though we don't, sometimes we'll talk and have a quick chat, but we're all just there to hold ourselves accountable. So we're showing up and we're doing the work and we're there with each other. So get yourself an accountability partner or coach or mentor. even a therapist or you know, whatever, whatever accountability looks like for you, even an app. Some people just, they download these new apps that gamify things. Um, I'm drawing a blank on the names of any of them, like notion motion, a sat, a sat, a sata. Uh, there's a bunch of apps out there that you can look into that you can gamify your progress. And maybe that's a way to, motivate you to not self-sabotage. or to hold yourself accountable. Number three is just a fun one. um You can write down your limiting the beliefs, your self-sabotaging conversations that you're having in your head, the things that you're telling yourself that aren't any good. Write them down and set them on fire. Envision that like releasing from your body when you get it out on paper and you burn it like it's no longer a part of you, it's no longer a problem. Bonus points if it's on a full moon too. That's your splash of metaphysical for the day. And then of course you've got your daily affirmations. You brush your teeth every morning, at least I hope you do. Do you stare in the mirror while you do it? What are the thoughts that are going through your head? Are you thinking about how busy you are? What are you doing for that day? What if you're programming your mind to do happy things and you know what, I'm gonna get all of my tasks done today. I'm gonna get all of these things accomplished. We're gonna have a great productive day or whatever your morning affirmations look like. Tell yourself happy things. Use that time to do some mirror work. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, what are you doing? What are you going to do? What are you going to accomplish? Hype yourself up. Be your own hype man. In the mirror every morning, no judgment. Just do it. And then we talked about journaling because... Journaling helps with thought pattern tracking and spotting. So when you're journaling and you can feel yourself writing, it's one thing to think the same thing over and over. I think I read somewhere that like 70 to 90 % of our thoughts are just recycled thoughts, like we're thinking the same things over and over and over. I need to do this, I need to do this, I didn't do this. So you're not gonna catch those patterns in your thoughts because that's just standard. thought processes, but when you're writing it on paper and you're writing, you catch yourself writing the same thing over and over. It's like, Oh, I already wrote this. Is this true? Is this helpful? Is this a pattern? Is this something I want to change and then take it and dissect it and break it down. So that's why I mentioned journaling when as much as I do, because it's so much easier and better than than just thinking about the same thing over and over again. And so I hope you found value. If you did like, share, subscribe, leave a review, do all those things. They help me keep the podcast open and available. So if you're... Just now realizing that maybe self-sabotage is playing a bigger role in your life than you originally anticipated. Just know this, you're not broken. You don't have to do it alone and with the right tools you can shift. from fear and resistance and move forward with clarity and purpose. and momentum. and maybe eventually finish the thing. I love you, I appreciate you. I thank you so much for being here. Let's go do life courageously. Bye guys.