The Power of Detachment: How Letting Go Breaks Fear, Imposter Syndrome, and Procrastination

Summary

In this episode of the Do Life podcast, Layla Dawn explores the concept of attachment and its detrimental effects on personal growth, including fear, procrastination, and imposter syndrome. She emphasizes the importance of detachment, not as a lack of care, but as a means to free oneself from the constraints of external validation and perfectionism. Through personal anecdotes and research insights, Layla provides practical strategies for practicing detachment and encourages listeners to focus on the process rather than the outcome, ultimately leading to greater clarity and confidence in their endeavors.

Takeaways

Attachment isn't love; it's a dependency on external validation.
Detachment allows for clarity and confidence in performance.
Fear of failure is often rooted in attachment to outcomes.
Procrastination is a form of avoidance linked to attachment.
Self-compassion can significantly reduce feelings of imposter syndrome.
Detachment creates space for freedom and action.
Practicing detachment can improve mental health and performance.
Reframing failure as a lesson fosters resilience.
Micro detachments can help ease the pressure of expectations.
Focusing on the process rather than the outcome leads to better results.

Sound Bites

"That's not laziness, it's attachment."
"You stop being paralyzed by fear."
"Just take the next step."

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Attachment and Its Impact
01:03 The Nature of Detachment
03:21 Fear, Procrastination, and Imposter Syndrome
08:02 The Power of Detachment
12:46 Research Insights on Attachment and Performance
17:05 Practical Steps to Detach
22:04 Building Internal Validation
26:49 Reframing Failure and Taking Action

Imposter Syndrome= https://youtu.be/fnLkrGVJ-U0?si=IfH04p8LWlv6CBLv

Procrastination = https://youtu.be/CBlbXqLFn-I?si=VyxbgbR1fFuBcLwU

Transcript

0:00

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever not gone after something you wanted because you were afraid of failing? Or maybe you procrastinated on a big project, not because you didn't care, but because deep down you were scared it wouldn't be perfect or that people would judge you. Or maybe you're not even sure why. That's not laziness, it's attachment. And when you start to see it this way... you'll realize it's not your fault. You've just been carrying an invisible rope that's tying you down. So if this resonates and that sounds like something you struggle with, let's do a deep dive. Hi friends, welcome to the Do Life podcast. where we talk about life, its challenges, and some clever ways to tackle some common obstacles with cutting edge technology, science-based research, and splash amount of physical properties. I'm your host, Life Coach Layla, and I'm a certified life and business coach focused on personal development and growth. And today we're diving into something that touches each and every one of us, attachment. attachment to people, to outcomes, to situations, and how that attachment fuels fear? Imposter syndrome? and procrastination. But more importantly, how learning the art of detachment can completely transform your life. Let's get started. What is attachment? Let's start here. Attachment isn't love, isn't care. Attachment isn't when your self-worth, identity, or safety depends on something or someone outside of you. It could be needing validation from other people. It could be needing success to feel valuable, or it could be needing control to feel safe. That one's mine. Here's an example. Imagine you're about to give a presentation, and if you're attached to the outcome, it has to be perfect. Everyone has to love it. You'll probably feel fear. anxiety and maybe even procrastinate and avoid preparing altogether. But if you're detached from the outcome... I'll just give it my best and whatever happens happens. When you walk into that office or conference or stage, you walk in with clarity and confidence because You've detached. It's the same situation, but a different outcome. Do you see how the first one you have that need to control, need to make it perfect, need for everyone to like it. And the second one, it's I'm going to do my best and whatever happens happens. You see how freeing the second version feels as opposed to how tight and constricted the first one. Did I say that backwards? The second version feels light and airy and free and the first version feels tight and constricted. that? Does that make sense? Did I say that right? Anyway, it's a completely different experience. And I said earlier that attachment fuels fear. You've got that. I need everything to be perfect. I need everybody to like it. That's what if they don't like it? What if I stumble? What if I stutter? What if I fail? That is your attachment. When you're attached to something, you have that fear creeps up and then it's louder as opposed to if you detach and it's whatever happens happens. I'm going to do my best. You come at it with a different approach and And so you don't have that, that tightness, that fear, which it also creates, like I said, it fuels fear, imposter syndrome and facilitates procrastination. So let's break this down a bit. So fear, when you're attached to the outcomes, you feel failure because Failure feels like you're losing yourself. You attach your worth, your self-worth, your value, your insight, your credibility to an outcome. And if people don't see it the way you want them to see it, you're a failure. Or you're not credible, you're a liar. And that's where that fear comes from. When you detach from that, you're not tying your sense of self-worth or credibility to the outcome of this situation, to this project, this presentation, this podcast or whatever it is. You're just coming at it from an authentic version of you. And if it resonates, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. There's no fear. And that kind of ties to it. It fuels imposter syndrome because that nagging voice of, I'm not good enough is often attachment to external validation. So if you're afraid people will see you differently. then the image that you're clinging to, you're going to fear that you're gonna look like an imposter. Like when you tie your credibility to a thing, you feel like an imposter if it doesn't meet your expectations and standards of perfection. And this is a cycle that I perpetuated for a long, long time before I was able to realize that it was my attachment. I had... I like to analyze things and I try really hard to... to figure out why exactly I was the way I was and why I was doing the things that I was doing. And I had myself convinced that my perfectionism was just uh a need to be authentic. Like I wanted it to be perfect, but I wanted to be perfect. So nothing was ever good enough to my standards and it didn't feel authentic or in alignment because it didn't resonate with me because I wanted to be perfect. And I know that sounds very vain and very egotistical and it was, but this was when I'm doing a deep dive into my own sense of self. it was, I was afraid to put anything out there that didn't meet my standards. And it was because I tied my authenticity, my self-worth to an outcome. It wasn't procrastination or perfectionism. It was... an attachment to the outcome. was so worried about how I would be perceived and it wasn't necessarily that I needed external validation, but I wanted to to uphold that level of authenticity so fully that I attached to that. I attached everything to that. which goes into procrastination because most people think that it's laziness, but in reality, it's just avoidance. If you're attached to doing it perfectly to be seen a certain way, you'll delay action because... action risks proving you're not perfect. And so many times I thought my procrastination was because of the perfectionism and in hindsight the perfectionism and the procrastination was directly linked to my attachment to the outcome. Because when I was thinking of perfectionism, imposter syndrome, I'm thinking those are typically tied to a fear of failure. And I'm not afraid to fail. Like I know that, you know, the business I'm in, I'm a serial entrepreneur that I'm going to have setbacks and failures and not everything I do is going to be a win. And I am so willing to take that risk that a fear of failure didn't resonate with me. But every time I tried to overanalyze my my procrastination and those things, was, it always came back to a fear of failure. And so finally, when I realized that it wasn't the fear of failure that didn't resonate with me, it was an attachment. That light bulb was like an explosion, like my brain exploded. I'm that emoji in that moment when I realized that I was just attached to the outcomes. And now I see, now that I'm cognitively aware of my attachment to things. So when I see the procrastination step in, can be like, wait a minute, why am I procrastinating? Why, why do I feel these feelings? And then I can pinpoint it down to my attachment to the outcome. I, it's just so profound that I was like, I I'm doing a podcast episode on this immediately because this was such a game changer for me. And so while I'm on the topic, let's talk about the power of detachment because This was such a shift for me. The detachment does not mean you stop caring about it. It means you stop clinging to the outcome of it. You stop tying your worth to the outcome or the person or the situation or the external validation. You think of it like a tug of war. You're gripping the rope and you're pulling with all your might. You're exhausted, you're locked in the struggle. You're not moving, you're not going anywhere. The second you let go of that rope, the battle's over. Yeah, you might fall back a little bit, but the second you stand back up, you can go run. And you can get so much further than you ever could if you stood there holding that rope. Or you can think of it as planting a seed. You plant a seed, every day, you're not gonna go dig it up to make sure it's growing. No, you plant it, you water it, and... and you trust that it's going to do what it needs to do. If you go dig it up to check on it every day, you're going to kill it and you're going to stop it from growing the way it needs to. And that's kind of how I see detachment is like trusting the process. So I've done a couple of episodes on manifestation and there is a lot of science tied to the manifestation. It's not just a law of attraction. We just wish things and they show up and that's what it is. That's not real actually. It's more or less tied to Pareto's 80-20 rule where you get 80 % of the results from 20 % of the work that you put in. So if you want to manifest something, you have to put in at least 20 % of the work. and also ties to let go and let God or trust the universe. It's all kind of the same thing. So when you're manifesting something and you say, want these things, you have to put in a little bit of work to make those things happen. But when you're not attached to the outcome, you can just kind of let go and let things unfold organically. And it's a way of saying, I trust you, universe. I trust you, God or whatever. spiritual power or just me, I trust me to do the things and to that I'm making the right decision and I'm making the right actions towards the right outcome for those things. And you're trusting that this is for your greater good. And if it doesn't work out, then that was also for your greater good. So you're not putting so much attention on the outcome. as much as the process. Like, here's me doing the things to get towards what I want to happen. If it happens, it happens great. If it doesn't, well. And that's really hard. It's so easy to say that. But when I tell you that it's like a constant struggle every day that I've been aware of this, that I'm just like, how attached to this outcome am I? know, if I go to have, I went to have a meeting with a client today and normally I would have had bullet points written out and and all kinds of things that I wanted to discuss and talk about and almost like a commercial for myself basically. And I was like, no, no, because that's me attaching to the outcome. I'm going to go and have this meeting and it's going to flow organically and however it works, it works. And I didn't want to put that attachment on there because I feel like when you attach to an outcome, you're polarizing it. Cough cough You're polarizing the outcomes when you're trying to manifest money and you put money way up here on a pedestal and all you can think about is all these things. What you're doing is you're pushing it further away because you're trying to control the outcome as opposed to just let it come to you. And I'm getting a little off topic here, but. Detachment has been one of the most profound things that I've discovered recently and I couldn't wait to show and share this with you. So, you know me, I like to ground these big concepts in actual research and science. So it's not just talking in theory. I did do my deep dive and researched and tunneled rabbit hole way down this topic. let's see what the research has to say. about attachment, fear, and procrastination. First, research shows that when we're overly attached to our work, to our outcomes, to people's opinions, it actually drains us. A massive study with over 38,000 people found that when people practice what's called psychological detachment, basically switching off mentally and not clinging to work or outcomes, they slept better. They had less burnout. and even performed better when they came back to the task. That's huge. So on the flip side, when we're attached to perfection, things get messy. Studies on procrastination show that it's very rarely laziness. It's fear. It's fear failure. Fear of not being good enough. fear in all forms. Researches found that Negative perfectionism and fear failure fuel procrastination. So while flexibility and self-compassion reduce it, Fear, failure, fuel procrastination, while flexibility, self-compassion, reduce it. so when you detach from needing something to be flawless. you actually get more done. And let's talk about imposter syndrome. So many of you have messaged me about this and I did a, I think I did an episode. I don't know if I've posted or not. If I did, I will link it in the show notes for sure. I don't know if it's, if it's launched or not, but if not, then it'll come out next week. How about that? So if it's not in the show notes, then check next Wednesday or Thursday, check next Wednesday. I post new episodes every Wednesday. So, If it's not linked in the show notes, check next week, it'll be posted about imposter syndrome because so many people have experienced it. And I want to say it's like up to 70 % of people have experienced imposter syndrome at some point. 70 % that that's insane So why don't we talk briefly earlier, like imposter syndrome is often rooted in perfectionism, fear of being exposed, fear of being seen, the need for constant external validation. But here's the hopeful part. In a four-week study... People who practice self-compassion basically treating themselves with the same kindness you'd give a friend. they significantly reduced imposter feelings and perfectionism. So in other words, when you detach from the pressure to prove yourself, that inner voice, that inner fraud voice, ah it starts to quiet down. Now here's where I'm going to add a little bit of metaphysical perspective. Detachment is also about energy. When you're clinging to the outcome, your energy is tense. You know, we talked earlier, you feel, you feel tight and closed. You're clinging to something you need it to happen. You're contracted and you're basically blocked. You're telling the universe, I don't trust you. I don't, I don't trust you to have my best interest in mind, the universe, God, whatever higher power you want it to be. You're saying, I don't trust you. ah I have to control this and also learning that my attachment to things was my need to can was can directly connected to my need for control was mind blowing and I'm I'm going to do a whole nother episode on letting go and not needing to control that is definitely for another day because did I did I do some deep digging on that one because it's so crazy how attaching to an outcome is you're trying to control that outcome. So your attachment and your need to control are basically hand in hand. They're like practically married, but it's too much. I started to incorporate that into this episode and I was like, you know what? That is a lot. We're to do a whole nother separate episode on the need to control and how to learn to let go. yeah, so there's that. But yeah, so you're basically telling the universe or God or whatever that you don't trust them. to have your best interests in mind that you have to do what you have to control. So the second you let go, When you plant that seed and you trust it to grow on its own and you're not checking on it and all you're doing is watering it, you create that flow. Opportunities, clarity, and even abundance start moving towards you. So both science and spirituality agree. Detachment doesn't mean not caring. It means not clinging. And when you release that grip, you let go, you reduce that fear, you ease the imposter syndrome, you finally stop procrastinating. That's the power of letting go. I talking to my coach about this the other day about my reservations for messaging some people. These were people that I could see as potential clients, but I also just, wanted to work with them in some degree, whether it was just having a conversation, inviting them to be guests on my podcast. I wanted to reach out to them and they're not people that I know well, they're just people that, you know, I resonate with and I feel like I'm connected to them. And I was really hesitant on sending messages. And it was, you know, my coach gave it to me as homework. You know, I've got three people I need to reach out to send these messages, email these people. What are you, what are you doing? And I just couldn't. And I kept tying it to, my authenticity. I don't want to send this message to these people because it doesn't feel authentic. feels salesy and gross. And I don't want to come off that way. And when we kind of dissected it and it was like, what is the energy behind? And I was like, well, I really want to help these people. I really know that I can help them. know that, you know, even though Like I know that when I was going through my spiritual journey, my self-help discovery, I didn't have a coach for the longest time. And having a coach and seeing perspectives from different angles is so profound and helpful and has caused me to grow exponentially because of it. And I want them to know that having a coach is an option, but I also don't want to come off as super salesy. And if I... don't send the message perfectly, then they're gonna read the energetics behind it. If I'm hesitant on sending it, then they're gonna feel that when they receive it. And so I was really just in that thought process. Like I couldn't figure out how to articulate the messages so it didn't feel gross. to me and it didn't feel icky or salesy or pressurey or you know like some sort of ulterior motive like hey person I barely know but I think I can help like let me help you I didn't none of it none of it worked and and so in having this conversation we dissected that I was attached to the outcome because I genuinely want to help people and I genuinely cared about their situation and I knew that I was capable of helping them she says so You don't want to send the message because you're worried about how it's going to be received because you don't want to push them away in a situation where you know you can help them. And I was like, yeah, just because you're attached to the outcome. And I was like, I am. attached to like I was attached to them being my client or not being my client. And that was the energy that I was coming from. And I genuinely wanted to help these people. So I said, you know what? If I detached from the outcome of them being my client and not being my client, I'm just going to approach it with the energy of I didn't have a coach when I was trying to do myself, help my development for the longest time. And a lot of these people I see that are on the same trajectory as me, they're on the same path, they're doing the same things. They don't know, maybe they don't know that having a coach is available and even if they do, maybe they don't know that I'm a potential person to work with. So I shifted my mindset from I really want them to be my client because I know I can help them to, I really want them to know that help is available to them and it doesn't matter if they want to be my client or not. I want to plant that seed so they know. that it's available to them or if they know somebody else who might benefit from working with me, that seed is planted. So I wasn't going to pick flowers per se. I was just going to plant seeds. And that was such a profound mindset shift when I was able to let go of the outcome. I had a really organic conversation and everything. I wasn't attached to the outcome. I just wanted to sit and meet and. And it was beautiful the way everything just unfolded and worked out. And I want to live my whole life like that. And I was so excited to just rush here and make this episode for you to be like, look what I learned and look at how much change it's made in the last seven days of my life. I can't wait to share this information with you because I can see leaps and bounds already how much things have changed by learning to let go. So right now we're talking about detaching from outcomes and in another episode we'll learn to let go of control, is different but equally hard. But like I said, worth a whole nother episode by itself. But yeah, I just I wanted to share this with you because. is life changing. So Let's talk about some practical ways to detach some of the things that I've done and some things that I think could help you. So here's some ways that you can start practicing the art of detaching right now. So shine focus on the process, not the outcome. I know I had a whole episode on procrastination and we talked about progress over perfectionism and this is kind of the same thing. So we're not focused on the perfectionism, we're focused on progress. What's the process to move forward? What's the next step? And we do the next step without hyper fixating on the outcome. So. I was hyper fixating on how my message would be received and what if they don't want to be my client? What if they don't want to work with me? What if they don't like me and all these other things? And it was, what's the next step? Next step is to send a message, plant the seed. So instead of, I'm gonna make them my client, it was, I wanna have a genuine conversation. And in doing so, I probably ended up with a new client because I didn't wanna come off as salesy. I just wanted them to know that that was an option. And I think that was received so much better than any other way I could have positioned myself as like, Hey, I want to be your coach, but to just like, I want to get to know more about you and your situation and your struggles. And yeah, I absolutely could help you. And here's an option that I didn't know was available and now you know it's available. And if you'd like to meet up and work on this further, I would love to be a part of that. And so that detachment made everything so much more fluid. wasn't trying to... to make them my client, you know? was just, I wanted to have a conversation with someone and I loved it. And another way is you can create internal validation instead of looking for external validation, go inward and think, what do I think about this? Because a lot of times we put so much of our self-worth and our value on other people's expectations. But when we think about like, okay, I made this project. If you're coming at it from, I'm making this project for other people, for them to like, I hope they like it. Do you like it? Because there's been so many times where I've done a project or a presentation. And I made it specifically thinking that the people who were going to watch it or see it were going to like it. And they hated it. And then they're like, do you like this? And I was like, no, I just thought you would. And that was it. I lost my authenticity because I wasn't being authentic in this project. I was making it because I thought they would like it and they could see the inauthenticity of it and hated it. So. If you're going to do something, even if your sole purpose of doing it is doing it for other people, make sure it's something you like. Like if you're like, I like this, I feel good about it. I put my best effort into it. I did everything that I feel like I could have. I'm happy with this. And then you put it out there. If nobody else is happy with it, you're already happy with it and their validation isn't necessary anymore. So instead of looking for external validation, give yourself that internal validation beforehand. that's one way to detach from an outcome if it's something that you're doing specifically for other people. And then if these all sound very daunting and very hard for you to do, try micro detachments. Like, don't check your phone for the first two hours you're awake. If you post something on social media, don't check that post for likes and... Don't check how many likes that post has. You can respond to comments, but don't be attached to the likes or the number of views. I make these podcast episodes and then I throw them out there. Once a week, I'll check my statistics just to make sure there's at least five people watching my podcast. And to my surprise, every week it's slowly but surely growing. And that just, I don't need that validation because I know that if one person hears my message and gets value from it, then I'm doing a good job. I'm not worried about how many subscribers. I people in my inbox every week. Let me help you monetize. Let me help you get millions of views. And I'm like, no, I don't want to do that. If my podcast finds you, it's because you're meant to be here. And I'm fine with that. So I'm not attached to the outcomes. I'm not like, oh my God, I'm going to make this podcast for these specific people to watch it. And then I'm going to get 500 followers and new likes. No, I don't care. I am doing this to provide value and hopefully share some insight with someone that might make a difference in their life. And like I said, as long as like one person sees it and resonates, I'm doing a good job. I don't need to have hundreds and thousands of followers. don't care if I monetize off of this podcast or not. That is not the game plan when I made it, nor is it a year into it. So yeah, I'm not attached to the outcome. So when you post something on social media, even if you're doing a podcast, don't attach to the outcome. or feel like you need that validation. Another micro detachment is let someone have the last word in a conversation. This was never really a big thing for me, but I can see it in other people. When I send a message and I'm like, okay, thanks. And then they have to respond with something. I'm like, I don't need to have the last, but some people do. And I don't even think that they're cognitively aware that they need to have that last say or something or heart or like or whatever. Maybe look at and see if that is that something that you struggle with? Is that a thing that you don't know that you might know now? And if it is, then let somebody else have the last word. Let them. little projects. And another thing is start before you feel ready. one of the biggest reasons, one of the biggest things of procrastinating, like we talk about progress over perfection, I'm going to keep saying that over and over because it was so hard for me to listen to myself when I was saying that. But it's... Somebody said something yesterday. You have to be okay with sucking. And this one's still fresh in my brain because it just stuck with me. know, very rarely is someone just a savant and they can just be amazing at something. Most everybody who's good at anything at some point sucked. Like there's no such thing as an overnight success story. Like yes, they might have gotten successful overnight seemingly, but you don't see the years in months and struggles and agony that they put in before that overnight success took place. And if you wait and wait and wait before it's perfect, you're never going to start. So just starting and doing something and being okay with knowing that the first time you do something, it's going to suck. And every time you do it, it's going to suck a little less until you're actually good at it. But knowing that you're going to suck is going to take so much pressure off of you. When I started this podcast, I had learned and researched and did all the training and courses and classes on how to build a podcast and use the equipment and have the best this and this and blah, blah, blah, blah. And none of that really mattered because I learned more in the first 10 minutes of doing than I did in four years of preparation. So start, start messy, start not ready, just start. And that's another little micro detachment is you're detaching to the outcome. You're detaching from the perfectionism that you have in your mind. You're just doing it and see how freeing that feels. Something else you could do right now is reframe failure. I interviewed somebody earlier today and we talked about instead of what if it doesn't work. shift that thought process to what can I learn from this if it doesn't work? As an entrepreneur, you have to be ready to fail. Like there's a good percentage that you're going to fail. And you can sit there and you can wallow in your failure and feel sorry for yourself and be a victim, or you can rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I know how cliche that sounds, but in the same token, like that's exactly what you're doing. You're picking yourself back up and dusting yourself off and trying again. Okay, what did I learn from this? What am I going to change moving forward? And these are the things that you need to know ahead of time is failure doesn't mean a failure. Failure is a setback. Failure means that something didn't work out the way that you wanted it to. But there's a lesson there. And what are you going to do moving forward? So reframing failure as a lesson. as a setback, as a change of direction, as opposed to just a failure is another way that you can detach from the outcome because so many people, they don't want to start doing something because they're afraid that it's not going to end the way they want it to. And they want to attach the word failure to that ending. So reframe that. because these small acts of letting go build resilience and confidence. And when you detach, something magical happens. You create space for freedom, clarity, and action. you stop being paralyzed by fear. You stop second guessing yourself. And then suddenly the things that you thought were impossible, starting that business, writing that book, leaving that toxic relationship, become possible, even naturally. Detachment isn't losing control. It's gaining power. So here's my challenge for you this week. find one thing you've been procrastinating on and stressing about and instead of worrying... Above the outcome, just focus on the process. Detach from needing it to be perfect. and just take one step, just take the next step. And you'll be surprised at how light you feel when you let go, when you learn to let go. It's just like you're flying. energetically you feel so weighed down and heavy by the stress and the worry of all of these things that when you let go it's just like you feel so weightless and airy and you just float and flow through life and I'm not gonna say that you're not gonna have any kind of setbacks or a weird attachment to things but you're gonna be able to see them more and let go a lot easier. And if you're ready to let go of detachment or you feel like you need some help with that. and you want to go deeper into releasing attachment and stepping into your confidence, I'd love to invite you to book a one-on-one session with me. The first one is completely free. I will leave my calendar link in the show notes below so we can have a conversation and see if it's a good fit. and can explore how to break some of these thought patterns together. I'm a personal development coach. I love you and thank you so much for being here. Please like, share, subscribe, leave a review. It helps me keep the channel open so I can keep bringing you these insights. I love you so much. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. Let's go do life unattached. Bye guys.