Breaking the Dating Cycle: A New Perspective

Summary

In this episode of the Do Life podcast, Layla Evans delves into the complexities of dating and relationships, encouraging listeners to reflect on their dating patterns, personal baggage, and the importance of authenticity. She emphasizes the need to redefine expectations in relationships, take ownership of one's role in relationship dynamics, and establish clear non-negotiables. Layla advocates for a mindset shift from seeking reasons to continue a relationship to identifying reasons to eliminate potential partners that do not align with one's values. Ultimately, she encourages listeners to be authentic and intentional in their dating lives.

Takeaways

• Reflect on the purpose of dating and what it fulfills.
• Question outdated dating advice and expectations.
• Take ownership of your role in relationship dynamics.
• Identify and address your personal baggage.
• Establish clear non-negotiables in relationships.
• Shift from a 'maybe' mindset to a definitive approach.
• Understand and communicate your core values.
• Be authentic and honest in your dating life.
• Recognize the importance of compatibility in values.
• Avoid building relationships on false pretenses.
• 
  

Sound Bites

• "What kind of partner are you?"
• "If it's a maybe, it's a no."
• "What are your non-negotiables?"

Chapters

00:00

Breaking the Dating Cycle

08:33

Reflecting on Personal Patterns

16:53

Identifying Non-Negotiables

23:53

Authenticity in Relationships

Transcript

0:00

Are you single or are you tired of dating the same person with just a different face? no matter how much you think things will be different. They always end up the same. If you're tired of falling in circles in the same cycle and you're ready to get raw and real and go deep, then this episode is for you. Hi friends. I'm your host, Life Coach Layla and welcome back to the Do Life podcast where we talk about life. its challenges, and some clever ways to tackle some of those common obstacles using cutting edge technology, science, and splash metaphysical properties. Today's episode, we are going to dive deep into dating. And I don't want to talk about how to date. More so, why are we dating? What purpose is dating someone fulfilling? Is it? Is it good for you? Is it a burden for you? Is it a burden for them? And I just, want to talk about in general, some of the outdated dating ideas and advices. And so we're going to talk about how you can go deep to find ways out of the same cycles. If you're attracting the same types of relationships and you're ready to move out of those cycles. Or if you're just curious in general about how to get the most out of your dating journey, let's get started. So when most people show up to give you advice for dating, they ask, what do you look for in a partner? I think that question is actually setting you up for failure and it's old and outdated and it's an antiquated way of thinking. You're creating these standards that are oftentimes unrealistic and then settling for less or compromising. And it's a very selfish way of thinking. What do you want a partner to show up and do for you? I want a man who can make me laugh. I want a woman that can cook. It's all about what you're lacking in life and what you want someone else to do for you and to fulfill those gaps. When you focus on specifically your lack or their lack, it can take on almost a desperate energy and it does the opposite for you. If you focus on what you lack, you typically end up with more lack instead of focus on what you want and you'll see signs of those things coming to you. So what is, what does the relationship partner feel like when, you know what you want, it'll be easier to reject everything that isn't that. And it'll be easier to see the signs that are coming to you. So you're not settling or compromising. And there's nothing worse than finding that match and then throwing it away. And that's why I say that question of what you're looking for in a person is outdated. The question should be what kind of person, what kind of partner are you in a relationship? If you need to pause and take a moment to reflect, I get it. It's not a question that you're often asked and it's not something that you tend to think about, but... What kind of partner are you in the relationship? My last relationship's been a bit rocky. And in one point during therapy, I was told to take ownership in the breakdown in our partnership. What part did I play in the demise of the relationship? And that was very humbling because a lot of the focus was on what they weren't doing and what I wasn't getting from them and how they weren't meeting my needs and they're emotionally. unintelligent and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all these other things. And a lot of times when we break up with someone, we we blame them for all their shortcomings, which makes sense because that's going to make us feel better because it's really hard for us to take accountability or ownership in anything that we do specifically, just in general as humans. So. When was the last time you blamed yourself? When was the last time you looked at how you contribute to the downfall? Now, I want you to think about, I'm sorry, my eyes keep watering. That's just what they do this time of year. Allergies, probably. Anyway, but you know, you've, especially someone who's had a secular partnership. So you date someone. And then the same signs show up and then you break up and then you date someone else and then they do the same thing. There's a pattern here and learning the pattern, identifying it can help you get out of the cycle. And one of the hardest things to do is figure out what are you doing to contribute to to that pattern? Are you seeking out the same type of person? Are you creating the same arguments? You know, maybe. You get into a relationship and you're super jealous and you accuse them of cheating all the time and then lo and behold they cheat on you and you're like, I don't know why this keeps happening. Well, your insecurities are creating this cycle. I'm not saying that I condone cheating or that it's not their fault. know, cheaters shouldn't cheat. But if you're harassing them and treating them as if they're already cheating on you and giving them the cold shoulder and making all these assumptions, then it's going to be a lot easier for them to convince themselves it's okay to cheat on you because they already know what it's like and what the consequences are because of your behaviors. So once again, I'm not condoning cheating or any of these things. I'm just saying to look at what you are doing to contribute to the same type of relationship and how you can identify what you need to do to change. So if it is a matter of looking at your own insecurities, you know what? I am insecure because this person cheated on me and then I've basically manifested everybody else to cheat on me based on my behaviors. I'm not victim blaming. Please don't come at me. I'm just saying that sometimes these things happen. Obviously this is just a one off, what's the word I'm looking for? Not explanation, example. This is just an example. I'm not saying if this happened to you that you deserved it or any of these things. I am just using this as an example to say, break down what part did you play in this relationship and the demise of this relationship. There's always going to be something. And again, I'm not victim blaming or shaming. I just want you to kind of think about. what you need to work on. Because a lot of times we take all of, know, someone says they don't want someone with baggage. And I used to get so offended by that because most of the time the people that were saying they didn't want baggage meant that they didn't want a woman with children. And I was like, my kids are not baggage. They're people. Just say you don't want a woman with children. Don't say you want a woman with baggage. That was so offensive to me. I hated that so much. I was like, you know what? I don't want you. If you want my kids, if you think my kids are baggage, then I don't. want to have a conversation with you. But in saying that... But saying that you don't want someone with baggage and you mean emotional baggage. I can understand that being a preference. Obviously everybody's allowed to have their preference. But what kind of baggage are you bringing to the relationship? What do you need to work on? Are you super insecure? Are you jaded? Did that last person you date give you some kind of Complex. What baggage are you bringing to the relationship? Because we all have baggage. So you can't say I don't want a person with baggage because that means you don't want a person because that's not real. You just need to determine what type of emotional baggage you're willing to tolerate and bring to the table. If you can't handle someone who's extremely insecure, then you know that. But maybe you look into why. That's all I'm saying is just like go deep within yourself and dissect things. Ask yourself why over and over? Why do you think this way? What made you think this way? Get to the nitty gritty of your thought process. What baggage are you bringing to the table? And how do you expect a partner to deal with that or handle that? And then how are you willing to compromise with whatever baggage they may be bringing to the table? So There's a lot there to dissect. And of course, there are at least two sides to every story. And don't do this reflection in an unhealthy way. Don't beat yourself up over the could-ofs and should-ofs. Instead, think of what you learned from these situations, from these relationships. Think of how you'll do better moving forward. That's the only way you're going to get out of this perpetual cycle. It's to see the patterns in yourself. and stop placing blame and being a victim and take ownership of your life and your choices and promise yourself that you'll do better. Now, once you've reflected on what kind of partner you are in a relationship and what kind of partner you want to be, what you learned you need to do differently and then we need to be a little bit more selective and who we engage with and it's really hard. It's really hard to back out once you've become invested. My daughter dated this dude that was dumb as hell. Actually, my two daughters, my two older daughters were, were seemingly in competition to see who could date the older, who could date the dumbest dude. And it was impressive how they were both really impressively dumb, but on different levels. And it was so weird because she didn't want to be with him. He wasn't good enough for her. But she didn't want to break up with him because it would hurt his feelings. And too many times we fall victim of being in love with the idea of love. We date looking for reasons to move forward instead of dating to disqualify. And I want to pause on that for a moment because I want to I want to reflect when you sit down at a restaurant or a dinner or something with someone and and you're having a meeting with a person and you're talking about, you know, the weather and sports and your favorite colors and all the other questions that are completely irrelevant long term. You're looking for reasons this will work. he's got nice hair. he's got a good job. Or she has her nails done or she looks very well put together. She can articulate a sentence very well. She's somewhat intelligent like your You're looking at things that are green lights to move forward instead of eliminating. When you sit down face to face, you should be looking for reasons to eliminate. And I think there's. There's a few relationship tips out there from some very highly qualified relationship advice giving people, which I am not. I just want to change the way we look at dating and a partnership and relationships like I want to change the approach. I'm not here to give you dating advice and tell you how you should live your life. I'm telling you how you should think about how you show up. I'm not telling you how you should how I don't like that word. that phrase, I'm giving you new ways to think about things and options should you choose to adopt these there. I like that. That's better. I'm not here to tell you what to do. Just give you suggestions on how to think. But, you know, she she was so invested in this relationship that she couldn't break up with a boyfriend that she had, even though she knew it wasn't right for him. And when We get so far, so we have a nice date, we have a nice dinner, but we know we're not, we don't feel the vibe, we're not connecting, we're not meshing well with this person. Instead of being like, you know, I had a really good time tonight, but I just don't think that you're what I'm looking for in a partner long term. There should be nothing wrong with that. And it's easier to do it before you get further. So if you know right off the bat that you're not vibing with this person, but you're looking for reasons to continue. Well, let's have another date. Maybe something will change the second date. Why? Why are we doing that? If we're not feeling it, don't feel it. Don't try to force it because then you're going to spend the entire relationship trying to force yourself, trying to convince yourself that this is going to work. there's a connection and there's a vibe, go with it. But if there's not, don't keep waiting for what ifs and maybe, maybes. I recently cleaned out my garage and a friend of mine came to help me and she was very adamant on if it's a I'm gonna keep it cuz one day maybe I might need it it goes in the garbage because one day maybe I might need it I'm gonna forget I have it and throw it away and buy something else anyway not throw it away so she made me throw it away But I think this is relevant in relationships dating wise because if you meet somebody and you think, maybe just one day next time we meet that sparkle. No, it's not. If it's a maybe just I don't know, it's a no. If it's not a full body fuck. Yes, it's a no. And that's OK. It's OK. To say no, to say I'm not interested. This was fun. I just have. really strict qualifications that I'm interested in and you don't meet those. I, as a person, would appreciate you telling me first and foremost up front, yeah, I had a really good time tonight, but you just you're not my vibe. Like, oh, thanks for not wasting my time. I had a great night. Nice to meet you. And you can choose to stay friends if it was more of a of a friendship vibe, like you like the person, but you just don't like them romantically. Like you're very obviously welcome to do. those things and maintain contact if that's something you both agree to do. But let's let's eliminate dragging things out for the sake of maybe one day it might work out or maybe I should give him a chance. If that word maybe is there, it's a no and be okay with no. No is not a bad word. No is a good word. No is a healthy word. Set better boundaries within your dating. So stop trying to convince yourself that somebody is gonna be the one for you or is perfect for you. There are billions of people in the planet. I recently was faced with being single and for a moment I thought I'm not going to find anybody better than what I just had. I'm not going to find anybody as compatible for me as what I just had. And right around the same time, my friend, my 12 year old niece came over and broke up with her boyfriend and was like, I'm never going to find anybody who loves me like him. And I just thought how ridiculous that was coming from a 12 year old. And then I thought that's just as equally ridiculous coming from me in and at my age. There's the same amount of people on the planet. Uh, so it's just really, really ridiculous to think that you're not going to find someone that's compatible with you or you're stuck with whatever situation you're in. So let's eliminate that way of thinking too. and it doesn't matter if you've been on hundreds of dates and you delete all of them or you don't have, it's okay. You don't have to force yourself to be in a relationship that you're not interested in being in just for the sake of being in a relationship. And if you really think that you need to be connected to somebody on that level, I encourage you to do some deep reflection as to why you feel the need to be partnered up. So, so desperately, is that the word I want to use? Maybe, I don't know. But why do you feel the need to, why do you need a partnership? Why can't you just be happy being an individual? So that's something else to think about. And we talk about eliminating. Let's talk about what are you eliminating? What are your non-negotiables? Like, do you know when you're looking for a partner, are you are you looking for someone who has the same values as you or someone who has close to the same values as you? What are your non-negotiables? If you are very adamant on I absolutely do not want to date someone who watches porn. I see that as cheating. I'm not interested in being with that person. and you're sitting across someone who thinks I'm going to do whatever I want with my body. have full autonomy and nobody's going to tell me what I can or can't do with my own body and my own privacy. Then are you willing to compromise those things or are those non-negotiables? These are the things that you need to know about yourself because you don't want to have to involve somebody else in a relationship. unknowingly like these are things that could be a demise you can have an otherwise healthy happy relationship but they want to watch porn and you don't want them to and if you're not willing to compromise one way or the other then the relationship just isn't going to work and so one of you is going to have to come to a compromise or this is a conversation that you can have up front in the dating I think our bullshit dating of what's your favorite color what's your middle name who cares What religion are you? Do you want to raise children? Do you want children in the first place? If you do, what religion do you think they should be raised in? If any at all, what kind of culture were you grown up in? Like these are the deep, meaningful questions. And again, maybe not first date questions, maybe second or third date. So first date, you do want to get to know each other. What do you do? Where do you live? Blah, blah, blah. Basic questions. But before you want to get into a committed relationship and before you go far enough to be serious with someone. You need to know what your non-negotiables are. You need to know what theirs are. And you need to know if you're compatible. So many people break up over finances. How do you manage money? I know money's such a tough conversation to have in relationships because the, you're a gold digger or whatever just gets thrown around, but... It's the number one cause of most divorces in America is finances. Either somebody doesn't know how to manage money properly, they go into debt, they have gambling addictions or other addictions, or they lied about their assets, or they tried to steal or hide money. Like it's a big thing and it should be a conversation that takes place early in the relationship. These big deep conversations. um should happen before you fall too hard. mean, how devastating would it be for you to fall in love with Mr. Mrs. Right or person right or whatever it is and then find out that they hate children and want nothing to do with them and you want five. And you can't imagine a life where you don't have your own children. And now you've gone too far and this is a problem. So knowing your non-negotiables early on is. is crucial. Because if you continue to date someone that is going against your core values or your non-negotiables, you're wasting time, essentially. You're taking time away from yourself that you could be using to find the person that is compatible with you. You're also taking time away from that person. You're leading them on. You're letting them think that they're living this happy, healthy lifestyle with someone. that is going to perpetually be unhappy for the rest of their relationship. So you're keeping them from finding the love of their life while you're busy pretending to like them for whatever reason. So what are your core values? I got this relationship advice from Jay Shetty. You should know your core values before entering into any relationship. So what are your core values? Is it family? Is it work? Is it peace? Whatever your top are, aren't wrong, but you need to match them up against the other person's. If your family is, if yours is family and theirs is work, and you're gonna have to understand that you're taking off work to go to a family function and vice versa, are you going to be okay with them turning down a family function to go to work? Let me explain that a little bit better. So if your core value is uh family and their core value is work and they turn down a family function to go to work, are you OK with that? Are you going to be able to compromise because that was a core value they had when you met them? And are they going to be OK with you turning down work for a family function? Is that going to be an issue or a problem that they're going to have? So these are the conversations that we need to be having on the first few dates because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if we have chemistry or we find each other cute. If our values aren't in alignment, I'm not interested. And I know... Um. I know I mentioned earlier how money is a sore subject sometimes, but are we dating within our means? You wanna max out your credit cards on fancy dinners, lavish vacations, and rented cars, showing off a lifestyle you can't maintain in order to attract someone you can't afford. Is it the thrill of the chase? You just want to see if you can, if you can convince that that person that you're who you say you are, knowing that you can't actually uphold that lifestyle. And then you get mad and call the other person shallow or gold digger because they don't want to be with someone that doesn't have that kind of money or because they don't love you for you. Do you think they only loved you for your money or what you could do or provide for them when in actuality they're mad that you're a liar? You built the relationship foundation on a pile of lies and possibly went into debt doing it. And you've shown you can't make good decisions, especially when it comes to money. And I just said that majority of divorces happen because of money. So obviously we could argue both sides all day. But if this is you that I just called you out on and you're mad, I want you to feel. Bye. I want you to really deep dive. Why did you feel the need to do this? Why did you create this lifestyle? Why did you pretend these things were something you were capable of if they're not? Why are we lying to people just to get a date? I don't understand why we're doing that. So when... So when you are going out and you are dating, be authentic. My brother told me that like everybody has a representative and when you go out on dates and things, you don't ever actually meet the real person. You meet the representative and I don't have a representative. I mean, I have different personalities based on the areas I'm in. Like I'm a different person as a coach than as a friend, than as a girlfriend, than as a mom, than as a business partner. if that makes sense. But I'm still me. I am still to the team. You're not going to get a pretend version of me ever. You'll just get a little more refined, a little more professional, a little more laid back, a little more relaxed. But overall, I'm the same person. Or a lot of people go on dates. Oh, I'm the CEO of this company and they flip burgers at McDonald's. There's nothing wrong with flipping burgers at McDonald's. If that's what you do, be proud of that and own up to that and be like, you know what? This is This is where I'm at in life. This isn't my end game. I have more goals. I have this and these things that I'm working towards and be open and honest about it. Because there's no sense in building a foundation on lies. It's just going to make that person feel jaded and then it's going to make you feel some kind of like no good is going to come from it. So just don't just don't do that. And really, yeah, like why? Who are you in a relationship? How do you show up in a partnership? What is the energy of a relationship feel like? Is it that you want to feel like? Do you want it to feel calm and peaceful and happy? What is the feeling of your relationship? And... And why do you want a relationship? What is that? What is that going to add to your life or take away from? I didn't want relationships for the longest time because I have so much to do. I'm busy. I don't have time to dedicate to someone who needs my attention. I had children. My children needed my attention. A man or a girl or anybody did not. And so that was something I had to think about was. I need or want a relationship and what for? What is its purpose? So break it down. Take some, take some time, do some journaling, write it down, write down your thoughts of what, what kind of relationship do I want? What do I want the relationship to feel like? What kind of partner am I? How have I contributed to the demise of my past relationships? Even if it's picking the wrong partner or not seeing the red flags up front. I'm not victim blaming or shaming. And again, don't be mean to yourself. Don't do the what I could have. I'll never find any. No, no, this is just reflection. So do the things. Hopefully this helps kind of kind of give you a better idea on a big picture. So many people that date just they think about what's right in front of them. I want you to see what kind of family do they have. What kind of family are you going to be dealing with if you guys have children together? What are your values? What are your compromises? What is the big picture? Not just the person in front of you, everything that comes with them. So think about that in a whole before you commit yourself to anyone for any reason. And really just kind of... Be authentic, be yourself, be real, be honest, be open, and... Be picky. I hope you found value in this. Please like, share, subscribe, comment. If you want to do one-on-one coaching with me, I am not interested in doing relationship coaching. This is just some observations that I had that I wanted to share, but I will do any other kind of life coaching I love to see you grow and thrive and flourish. So let's go do life. strategically. I love you guys. Thank you for being here.