Family Isn’t Always Forever: The Hard Truth About Going No Contact

Summary

In this episode, Layla Dawn explores the complex and often triggering topic of going no contact with parents. She delves into the psychological and emotional reasons behind such decisions, emphasizing that they are rarely made lightly. The conversation covers the impact of narcissism, emotional abuse, and the importance of setting boundaries. Layla also discusses the healing journey that follows estrangement and the societal pressures that complicate these relationships. Ultimately, she encourages listeners to approach the topic with compassion and understanding, recognizing that every situation is unique.

Takeaways

Going no contact is often a last resort after years of pain.

The decision to go no contact is rarely made lightly.

Narcissistic parents can create a facade that complicates relationships.

Setting boundaries is crucial for healthy family dynamics.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

Forgiveness is a complex process that takes time.

Grieving the loss of a parent while they are still alive is common.

Choosing to protect oneself is an act of self-love.

Family is not just about blood; it's about respect and safety.

Healing from family estrangement is a personal journey.

Chapters

00:00 Understanding No Contact with Parents

06:15 Reasons for Going No Contact

14:00 The Role of Boundaries

22:07 The Impact of Narcissism and Emotional Abuse

26:54 Coping with Family Estrangement

33:23 Exploring Alternatives to No Contact

40:47 The Healing Journey After No Contact

Links:

Nervous system regulation,  https://youtu.be/CUyIOHid6fc?si=zG4AgsSZNoH3dpdb

Boundaries, https://youtu.be/31emlrbCi0o?si=uE5PaKDFnhe-Jofe

Forgiveness,https://youtu.be/N0OTV4XweqY?si=vItkJCh-qpU2_Ja1

Transcript

0:00

Hi friends, today we're talking about a topic that is very triggering, often misunderstood. Quietly painful and rarely talked about honestly. Going no contact with the parents. or both parents or a child or any other relative for that matter. For some, it's unimaginable almost. And for others... It's survival. Hi friends, welcome back to the Do Life podcast. I'm your host, Life Coach Layla, and today... We're diving into a topic that's as complex as it is courageous. And I know that sentence alone can be very triggering for some of you. For some, it hits really close to home. Maybe it's you or someone close to you. Either way, my goal today isn't to judge or justify, it's to clarify, to explore. hold space for the people who have made this decision to understand why someone might be led to make this decision. the science and psychology supporting or against such decisions. and the emotional weight and burden that it often carries. Because let's be real, this is often not a rash decision made in a moment of anger. life is commonly mistaken for. That's almost always a last resort after years of pain and silence and anger and neglect or trauma and abuse. So let's get into it. First, I want to address the elephant in the room. I see a lot of people arguing over this topic on the internet. And I understand it's because it's very triggering for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Everyone's situation is different. And I want to approach today's episode with an unbiased opinion. because it's easy to see things from your perspective, from your upbringing, from your life, your experiences. It's really hard to put yourself into other people's and understand where they're coming from. And I want to talk about the psychology and the science behind it today. So you have pros and cons for both sides of the argument. I'm not trying to take sides in this matter. I want this to be seen as an outlet for help, regardless of where your stance is. I see both sides of the arguments. Most people I know are on far ends of the spectrum. There's not a lot of people in the middle grounds. and everybody is just trying to convince the other person that they're right, which I guess is like every argument I see on the internet. this isn't really any different, but today I want us to come at this with a curiosity, with an open mind, not trying to sway you one way or another, because maybe you're in a situation where you're contemplating going no contact with the parent. We'll explore reasons why someone would do that. Ultimately, it's going to be your decision and it's not anybody else's decision to make. I'm here to help you make an informed decision on why you would or would not want to do those things. And maybe if you're someone who's just dead set against going no contact, this episode can help you understand the situations that people are in that often. take them to this point of no return. So once again, I ask you to come to this episode with an open mind, no judgment, and try to be as unbiased as possible. because a lot of times people are just arguing to be right. They're not necessarily trying to see the other person's perspective. So today we're not arguing, we're just seeing both sides of the spectrum. And you can figure out where you fit by the time this episode's over. Maybe. Probably should do more research than just watch like a 30 minute YouTube video. Or who knows how long this'll be. I might go on a tangent or something, but, scheduled for 30 minutes at least. Anyway, So yes, I want to encourage you to show up today from a place of curiosity and understanding and try to see the other person's perspective and not just argue with me in your head as why I'm wrong or why the science is wrong or whatever the situation is. And I know a lot of people come from really good upbringing. You have amazing parents and you can't fathom the idea of not wanting to speak to them ever again. And I congratulate you. That is an amazing problem to have. And I don't say that with any kind of condescending undertone. Like I am legitimately like happy for you because a lot of the people that I talk to that are in these situations don't. It's not commonly a situation where someone has a great upbringing and then just decides that they don't like their mom or dad. And I'm not going to say that this never happens because there are people with psychological issues that don't necessarily make healthy decisions and sometimes this is the case. So I'm not here to bash anyone for any situation that they may be in or may not be in. This is just for educational purposes and understanding of both sides. But I want you to kind of think of it this way. You know that bad people exist. You've heard horror stories on the news, probably about terrible people. And sometimes those terrible people are parents. And sometimes those children decide that they don't want to be involved with those terrible people anymore. And If you've already gone no contact with the parent or both or any other relative or whatever, know this is a safe space for you and you're not alone and it's okay. As long as you're happy and comfortable, not necessarily happy, but if you're comfortable that you made the right decision in your life, then... We're here for you. So let's start with the basics. What are some of the reasons why someone would want to go no contact with a parent or child? I've seen both sides. I've seen a friend of mine who has a clinically diagnosed sociopath for a child who did a lot of really bad things to her and tried to... try to get her in a lot of trouble in a lot of different ways and she's completely cut ties with him. As a parent, I can't imagine what you have to go through to lose contact with a child. And it's absolutely devastating. So I want you to know that no matter what your stance is on this situation, to have some compassion when you're talking to the people who have made these decisions. because it's not easy. It's often tied to a lot of pain and long-term suffering, traumatic childhood, PTSD, CPTSD, all of the things. So please be more compassionate when you're having conversations and spouting opinions. Here are some facts. A lot of times people leave their parents or go no contact with their parents because they've suffered years of ongoing emotional, physical, any kind of abuse at all in general. Abuse is bad, regardless of what form it comes in, and it's never okay to just tolerate it on any level. And especially if you have a parent who's narcissistic, manipulative. super controlling. This one triggers a lot of people because narcissists are often rarely perceived as bad people on the outside. They're the most loving kind people that you'll ever meet. They're the bestest friends. They're the most helpful, most loving, kindest, all of the things to anybody that they meet. But on the inside, inside closed doors, they're horrible humans. And I don't want to say horrible humans. I'm trying really hard not to judge people, but being involved in a few narcissistic relationships, it's really hard for me to come up with other adjectives. And I know the word narcissist gets thrown out there. he was mean to me. He's a narcissist. I mean this in the legitimate form. So I have friends that have narcissistic parents and their parents' friends can't fathom why their children won't talk to them. And it's usually multiple children because the narcissistic parent is such a happy, loving, perfect person on the outside. And they fill these people's heads with stories of all kinds of fun things that really aren't true. They paint themselves as the victim and the children as the perpetrator. There are several narcissistic people that I have been subjected to in my lifetime. And this seems to be a common trait and also the science checks out. So a lot of times when you see people saying, can't believe you won't talk to your mother. She's absolutely devastated. Think about how much truth do you actually know? Are you just going off of what that parent said to you and what they believe their situation is or what they want you to believe their situation is? Or are you around behind closed doors? Do you have a close relationship with both the parent and the child? Has the child expressed to you things that go on? Because a lot of times when you're under any kind of abuse, you don't want to admit that you're being abused. Even if you know it's abuse. Like I think back to an abusive relationship I was in when I was in my teens and the first time we got into a fight, he held my head in a headlock and he had me squeeze so tight that my forehead wrinkled. Mind you, I was 16 at the time. I have these wrinkles. But my forehead was squished together so tight it wrinkled and rug burned itself. And I told everybody we were wrestling and I rug burned my face on the carpet. And it was that moment that I was like, I'm making excuses for violent behavior. That's a telltale sign. I'm in an abusive relationship. Did I break up with them? No. Did I admit that I was in an abusive relationship? No. Did I continue to lie about some of the things that were happening in that relationship? Yes. Was he completely convincing that he was a great guy and would never do such a thing? Yes. Did everybody not believe me? Yes. Until he got into another relationship and put her in the hospital. then they're like, maybe Layla wasn't such a liar. But by that time, the damage was done. And I say all that to say that sometimes when you're in an abusive relationship, you don't want to admit to it to yourself, let alone other people. unless you're there at night and the doors are closed and you hear what happens, you can't really say what situation someone's been in. And if you think this person is perfect, how much of them do you really know? How deep? do they get with you? That's a lot on narcissists. We're just gonna move on, because I could talk about this piss poor behavior all day, but we're gonna move on. And basically what I wanna say in enclosure to that is... when a child is dealing with a narcissistic parent, they're often going to be looked at as the bad guy and you're going to make that child feel some sort of way. And I say child, which most of the time when we go no contact with our parents, it's adults that are doing that. So when we're chastising them and harassing them and saying all these things, we're completely invalidating all of the years of abuse that they've endured to give our opinion on something that we're not really aware of. So. Just be mindful of the situations that you may not necessarily be aware of. People will also go no contact because their boundaries are consistently broken. I have an entire episode on boundaries I'll link in the show notes because it's so important to set healthy boundaries. It's also as equally important to respect those boundaries regardless of your role in somebody's situation. I know it's really hard for parents to respect boundaries of their children because they think that, you know, I gave... You life, can take it away. That is such an old outdated viewpoint and that's not real. You can't, that's not how real life works anymore. Sorry. Sorry to burst your bubble. you have to respect people's boundaries, including your own children, obviously when they're grown and learn how to start respecting them as they're younger. And I know I get a lot of slack on this one from the older generations because this was just something that you just tolerated, you just dealt with. Like your parents were your parents and that was it. But again, those are old outdated viewpoints on life. We're not. And now it's not acceptable. It's not okay to disrespect your children's boundaries or wishes, especially if it comes to their own children, which is a big one. I see grandparents do whatever they want. and I get that to a point, but I also don't like if my, my babies have babies, my babies are grown by the way. So if they have babies and they say, mom, I don't want to give them soda. I don't want to give them candy. I don't want them up past 10 o'clock. I'm probably gonna respect those boundaries. Because a lot of children need to be on a routine and have structure. And yeah, they're spending the night at Grammy's house. I could keep them up till midnight. Well, it throws off their whole system and their whole structure. And now the parents have to spend a week getting them back on that routine that you threw off in one night. Because you don't have to listen to your children. That's so rude. It's not your place to decide you're the boss and not abide by their wishes. It's not real life anymore. And obviously this works both ways too. There are certain things that parents do that they need to set boundaries for their children. So at one point, you know, we were empty nesters and I told the kids, you, uh, you're always welcome in my house. I will never tell you not to come over, but you should probably knock or call or announce. Cause if I don't have any children living here, I'm going to have clothes on. Um, you know, I don't want you to walk in on something you shouldn't walk in on. That's a new boundary that I've made since you guys moved out. When you lived here and I knew that I could expect you at any point in time, I was aware of those things. But now that it's my house and it's empty, I can do whatever I want. So there's a new boundaries that I set. So as children, you should probably respect the boundaries that your parents set. And again, it's not like, my gosh, my mom let my kids stay up till midnight on a Saturday. I'm never going to talk to her again. That's not the case. I'm talking about more extreme things. If you have certain boundaries with your children, with yourself or how you want to be addressed and your parents habitually disrespect those, again, parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, relative, anybody who consistently disrespects your boundaries needs needs a time out at the very least to gather their thoughts and learn how to do better. It's as simple as that. Again, I'm not saying I condone going no contact because your parents broke a boundary once or twice. I'm saying this is a long, long, long-term situation that you need to decide if that's the appropriate outcome for your situation. This is just the science stating these are some of the reasons why people do decide to go no contact. Another reason people decide to go no contact. is when a parent refuses to take accountability or acknowledge past trauma or abuse. I understand people change. I am all for it. This is a self-help podcast. We are trying to help people grow and learn and develop and do all the things. So to go from being someone who would neglect your child to trying to do better. And again, I don't feel like I was a bad parent when my kids were growing up. But there was a lot of things that I didn't know. I wasn't healed. I was a very unhealed teenager myself when I was raising children. So as they get older, I say, hey, I didn't realize that I did this and this and I wish I could take it back and I wish I could do better for you then. But here's me apologizing for it now. And I want to do better going forward. And I have these good, healthy conversations with my children and a lot of people don't have these healthy conversations with their children or their parents or however you want to look at it. And it's a parent's downright refusal to admit that anything they did was wrong. Because again, you're completely invalidating somebody's entire childhood of trauma and abuse. And it's one thing if you want to say, hey, I've changed, I've grown, I'm a different person, I'm not that person. You still have to acknowledge that what you did was wrong. Even if you don't think it was wrong to you, if it was wrong to them and you love and care about them, you can apologize for that. It's okay. Even in like a romantic relationship, I'll get into an argument with my partner and I'll be like, I can't believe you did that. And I'll be like, well, I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. So, you know, I'm sorry I did something that affected you negatively. Even though I don't understand it, I can still apologize for it. That's not me arguing over the validity of it. It is me just saying that I don't understand. And sometimes that's okay. Sometimes it's not. but you can't not acknowledge the pain that you've inflicted upon someone or at least partaken in inflicting upon someone else. and your unhealed air, it doesn't just go away. And again, they don't have to acknowledge the new version of you, the healed version of you, if you don't acknowledge the past version of you. If you say that you're healed and you're different, then you won't cling to the shame and guilt and embarrassment of an older version of you because you're not that same person anymore. You're a different, more understanding version of you. And you could be like, you know what? That person didn't know any better and what they did was wrong. and a truly changed person would be able to admit that. So if your children aren't willing to accept the new version of you because you haven't acknowledged the old version of you was bad or did bad things or affected them negatively, then they don't have to accept the new version of you. They deserve some sort of apology or closure. And even then it's not guaranteed that you'll get forgiveness depending on the severity of the abuse or situation or whatever it is. Forgiveness is very difficult for a lot of people and in any type of relationship when the trust is lost or broken, it can take a long time to rebuild that. And if you really love and care about somebody and you want to make a relationship work with them, you'd be willing to put in the work. It's a lot easier for people to put in the effort in a romantic relationship, but do we see these same people put the effort into friendships or family relationships? A lot of times we neglect our family because we think they're related. They'll just be around forever. Well, not anymore. I think most people's chosen families are more important to them than their biological families for reasons that we're discussing today. So once again, just because you said you're sorry and you've changed doesn't mean that forgiveness will come freely. It's something that you have to earn. And if you're not willing to put in the trust, it's like if you cheat on your partner. They don't have to take you back or forgive you. They can forgive the situation and move on, but that doesn't mean they have to take you back. Your children can forgive you for things that have happened, but not want to welcome you back in their life. And that's just something that you'll have to deal with as a repercussion from whatever your actions were. Again, if a child is not willing to forgive and rekindle a relationship, I'm sure there was some severe trauma that took place. And maybe one day... things will work out, but healing isn't linear. There's no. There's no definitive timeline for when they'll be able to welcome you back into their life, if at all. And I do have an entire episode on forgiveness. I highly recommend that everybody watch it because forgiveness in itself has changed my life and my viewpoint on a lot of things. I'm actually a forgiveness specialist. So if you want to dive deep with me, if this is a conversation that you want to have a coaching session about or anything along those lines, please book with me at my website is Layla Dawn does life.com and my Calendly link is on there. I would love to have a discussion about forgiveness and or parenting or any of this in general with you. So please go deeper with me if you'd like or like, share, subscribe, do all the things here to help support the show so I can continue to bring free valuable information. Which leads me to the next reason why people often go no contact and that's to protect the next generation. to generational cycles so their children don't grow up in the same dysfunction. And this one is especially difficult for some people to understand is they don't see. anything wrong with their behavior. They think their children are being unreasonable and punishing them. In some cases, this is true. There are some children out there that are just like, I'm gonna get back at you. They do that as adults. I was like that as a child. We're not gonna get into all that. In some cases, well, in cases of real dysfunction. This is a really hard decision to make because it not only involves the child, but the child's child. So now we're talking about the grandchild and taking a grandparent away from a grandchild is harder than removing yourself from a parent. So once again, if you encounter someone who has had to make this decision and do these things, please show some sort of compassion, regardless of whether you think they're in the right or wrong. That's not the point. The point is this is a very difficult decision for them to have made and to have to explain to their children why they've made the decision that they've made. And once again, to make this decision, comes from a place of long-term abuse and dysfunction. It comes from a place of love for their children. It comes from a place of healing and growth, which some people aren't willing to do. And again, I'm not talking about the one offs, you. You made me mad so now you're not gonna see my kids again. Yes, there are awful people that use their children as pawns and manipulative tools to get their own way, like spoiled people. I'm not talking about those. I'm not talking about the people that are using their children to manipulate their ways into whatever they want. I'm talking about people who have undergone real dysfunction and are trying to do better for their children. These are reasons why someone would go no contact with the parents. Because here's the truth, most people don't want to cut off their parents. It's usually a last-ditch effort. They want their parents to change, to grow, to learn, to do better. But when change never comes and when contact becomes hurtful instead of helpful and downright harmful in some situations. going no contact can be the healthiest option. And again, I say going no contact is rarely. The first choice. It's often the last resort after every other attempt to repair or maintain the relationship has failed. So what does the science say behind this? So before we get into that, I want to say this. Going no contact is not the only valid path. Some people make that choice, others don't. and they have powerful reasons too. So let's talk about both. So according to psychologist Joshua, Holmen. family estrangement is increasing. And again, it's not always about one big event. It's about a long-term pattern. of emotional misalignment. and also unmet needs that go unsustainable. Here's what the research shows. Estrangement? is more common when there's a history of emotional abuse, neglect. or parental narcissism. Narcissists want to keep up the facade that they have the perfect family life and when their children stand up to them by setting boundaries and standing up for themselves. it breaks that image. They typically play the victim and let the children turn out to be selfish and hurtful. Like I said earlier. They never admit any wrongdoing and their little world believes them and makes the child feel... even worse for decision that was already difficult to make. For people with a history of emotional abuse, narcissistic parenting, gas lighting and ongoing boundary issues. Oftentimes going no contact is the only way that they can truly begin to heal. It's not about hating their parents. It's about... Choosing peace Sometimes a reason for going no contact is the values are mismatched. when a parent refuses to accept a child's identity, boundaries. choices in general. creates a a barrier. Oftentimes you'll see this in relationships where the children are gay or trans or choose a different religion. There's no easy way to bridge this gap. If the parents are unwilling to love and accept their child for the choices they make. How is it fair for the child to have to continuously sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their parents? As a parent myself, I want to be my child's place no matter what they're going through. I... I sacrifice myself oftentimes for the good of my children. Maybe that just comes with being a mom, but I I sacrifice my time, my health, my vanity, my sanity for my children. So many sacrifices were made. Why is this one that we... Why is this the hill that we die on? Why do we stay so unwilling to accept our child's decision to be non-binary or to change their gender? Again, when they're older consenting adults, I don't see any reason for loving them unconditionally. As a parent, I've always been everybody's mom. My kids. have had plenty of other friends that were not accepted or loved by their parents. And I took them in willingly, lovingly and became their new mommy. Like I will take all of the neglected people and children, like I love you all and accept you. And I just can't understand as a parent why you would put your religion in front of your children, why you would put anything over love. Just hands down. I've gone through a lot of really difficult situations rather recently and I have chose love. And it hasn't always been easy, but knowing that I want to choose love makes me feel more confident in my decisions. And this is big. Any of you that knew me back in the day or be like, who is talking on this podcast? This is not Layla. Anyway, yeah, I choose love. And it's a good feeling. Think of how heavy it is to hate your own children or hate your parents. A lot of times people who go no contact with their parents don't hate their parents. They love them. They wish them well. They just love themselves more to know that it's not a healthy situation to be in. And while we're still talking about science, neurologically, the nervous system plays a big role. Polyvagal theory teaches us that when a relationship feels unsafe for long periods of time, the body tends to shut down both physically and emotionally. That shutdown can lead to depression, anxiety, hypervigilance. chronic stress, the list goes on. We can't heal from situations that keep triggering our traumas. We can't heal in situations that keep triggering our trauma responses. Spronic exposure to toxic family dynamics can lead to nervous system dysregulation. I did a very long, in-depth, detailed episode on nervous system dysregulation and its importance in everyday life. I will also link that in the show notes. It's super important to be mindful of these things. has basically that means that your body stuck in your fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode and. and it disrupts almost every area of your life. So for many, going no contact isn't about revenge. It's about safety and nervous system regulation. It's about finally learning how to heal and Be peaceful. from a trauma-informed lens severing ties. can be a protective act to regulate the nervous system and. Reduce chronic stress. It's one thing if grandpa Joe says something cringy or some off-color joke at Thanksgiving dinner. It's another thing if he's a predator and everybody in the family is aware of it, knows about it, and you're just supposed to accept it and pretend it doesn't happen. And now I'm not saying all cases are this extreme. but repeatedly subjecting yourself to situations that are triggering all traumas for the sake of keeping peace are outdated and old. and downright harmful, and in this situation specifically, it's wrong. so I just went on a whole tangent that I just cut out because it's not, I could do a whole episode on this topic specifically. So we're not going to do all that, but I want you to know that if something has happened as far as some sort of sexual trauma in your family and somebody wants to blow the whistle to bad. Do not ostracize them. Do not alienate them. Make them the black sheep. Shame on you for trying to keep the peace and keep it a secret. You know it's wrong. Everybody knows it's wrong. So if they end up going no contact in order to keep the peace, let them. It's unfortunate that they're not blowing the whistle and tattling and putting everybody involved in prison. But if they're gonna go no contact and they don't want to go to Christmas where Uncle Joe and his little diddlers are gonna be there, then they don't have to and you're not gonna make them feel bad for that decision. Shame on you in general for not doing anything about the situation, but double shame on you for making them feel bad for their decisions to not be subjected to such traumas. because you have no idea how bad it is for their mental health. Someone really close to me is no longer on this planet because a situation similar to this. drove them to such dark places. So if the best thing that they do for themselves is going no contact with this toxic family who accepts this behavior, then good for them and shame on you. And I'm going to move on now. But what about people who don't go no contact? Let's talk about them too. Because not everyone is able, capable, or ready, or wants to just walk away. Psychologically, there are many reasons why a person stays in touch and maintains a relationship even when it's... strained? I guess that's a good word for it. Attachment theory tells us that we're wired to be bonded to our caregivers, even harmful ones. because that's how we survived as children. That's all we ever knew. We didn't know any better. I know a lot of people who were in terrible, harmful, hurtful situations, but they didn't know any better at the time and it took them a long time to realize that it is what it is. There's trauma bonding where cycles of love and harm create an emotional addiction. It can make it hard to break free even when logic says go. I mean, you look at abusive relationships romantically. People will tolerate abuse from someone they've only known for months. How difficult do you think it is to break an abusive relationship with a parent, with someone who's supposed to love you? And then there's your cultural or religious beliefs and experiences that can make it feel like going no contact is an ultimate betrayal or sin or. Sometimes they just simply fear the guilt of being alone or leaving their parents alone. It's weird that my mother made me promise at a very young age that I was never going to let her rot away in a home and then proceeded to become like the worst person on the planet. Like I'm not, it's almost like she, she. no, we're not doing that today. Sorry. speaking of my mom, we had an on-off relationship for as long as I can remember. Like I remember being like nine years old and us not talking for months at a time. So something that you could do that's not completely no contact is low contact or structured boundaries, which obviously isn't gonna work if they consistently break boundaries. So be mindful of that. So if you don't want to cut off a parent fully or doesn't feel right or in alignment or whatever your situation is, there are other options other than going no contact. You can still have your parents in your life with healthy boundaries and standards and learning new ways to communicate with them that are healthier for both of you in the long run. and maybe eventually they'll learn to engage differently. by seeing you and your changed behavior might motivate them to do better, which is what most of us want deep down inside is for the parents themselves to just do better. So you can limit your conversations to safe topics. If you have a parent who wants to consistently talk about their political views and argue with you and shove them down your throat, you can just respectfully decline to engage and... Remove yourself from the situation. And eventually they'll learn that every time they mention politics, you leave. If that's a cue that they want you to leave, then that's something that you've both learned now. And if it's not, and they want you to stay around and enjoy your company, then they'll eventually refrain from talking about those things. And I just use politics as an example, but it could be any topic. They could talk about your boyfriend, your spouse, your partner, if you're gay and... you know that's a trigger for them or if they want to talk about your job or your school or any of your other personal decisions that they don't agree with, you can set those boundaries. It's up to you to decide those. Same thing as a child or as a parent, you can set healthy boundaries with your children where if they come over and they want to just scream their new religion in your face, you can respectfully decline and ask them to leave until they can find something else to talk about. So, you know, boundaries work both ways. just, I want to set that, I just want to put that out there. Everybody should have boundaries and everybody should be respectful of everybody's boundaries for the most part, to a degree. Some people are just. Anyway. What did I say? So limiting conversations to safe topics and also limiting exposure to toxic relatives and holidays and gatherings or any kind of toxic behavior. You you can agree to come to Christmas and say the second uncle Joe says something racist, you're leaving. That's a healthy boundary that you can set. If that becomes too problematic or triggering, then maybe you only communicate in letters or texts, or you speak on the phone. You don't have any in-person contact. You can Zoom call or Skype or whatever. That could be an easy way to set new boundaries and remain in contact without cutting them off completely, but being safe while you do so. Again, the science pointed to a lot of system dysregulation and long-term trauma. That is the main reasons why people cut off their parents. So when you're in a safe space in your home on a computer, a laptop, a phone, where you can just hit a button and you don't have those triggers anymore, you are a safe place. And then maybe you can have those healthy boundaries because you're coming from a place of more calm and regulated. clear thinking and you can have healthy conversations with someone because they know if they trigger you, you just hang up and you're done talking to them. So this is something to think about to maybe do before you go no contact completely. You can also involve like a therapist or a mediator to facilitate conversations and not necessarily enforce healthy boundaries, but just help each other understand why the boundaries are important and why they're there and why they need to be there to protect the relationship. I know a lot of people are unwilling to do this. They don't want to bring anybody else into their situation, especially if you have like a narcissistic parent. Good luck with that. Sorry. It might often, it might be a good thing to just have a third party help communicate. Me and my partner went to therapy for a while and we've been good at having conversations, but we weren't necessarily good at communicating. We would talk about things, but not really convey our emotions or our point of view. And we sat down with the therapist and told him both things that we've said to each other and he immediately was like, feel like this, you feel like this. Am I right? And it was like, I've never felt so seen. It's like, you know us. And it was just having that third person explain something so simple to us was like, yeah, this is helpful. It was really helpful. And some instances, just having a third party mediator, a non-biased, somebody who doesn't necessarily know you both to facilitate this conversation could be the growth or change or... healthy development that you need in your relationship to maintain contact with your parents. because the science also shows that setting healthy boundaries... when done consistently helps support your nervous system regulation. and can be just as healing and peaceful as going no contact. Again, I feel like the majority of the people who go no contact would much more prefer their parent to do better as a human, to change and develop into a person that they would want to have contact with. And that idea is so relieving and... to set healthy boundaries and have conversations that may facilitate that is ultimately going to give you such a rewarding feeling. So going no contact isn't always the answer. You want to make sure that you've exhausted all your resources or that it's worth your time. If you have a person in your life who's absolutely downright abusive and doesn't need to be involved in your situation, don't do these things. Go no contact. I'm not saying that you have to try these things first. Know your situation. I just want to provide all of the information if this is something that you're thinking about and you're like, really don't want to go no contact, but I don't have any other options. Here's some other options. If you're like, my gosh, I don't ever want to see these people again. They should be locked up in jail and prison. Don't do these things. Just go live your life. And don't yell at them for doing that either. So depending on where you are in this conversation. because I want to say that no path is right or wrong. whether you go no contact or stay in a limited contact situation or rebuild your relationship to a healthy contact situation. It's your choice, your healing, and it's deeply personal. What matters most is that you feel safe, seen, and supported. and you're allowed to protect your piece, whatever that looks like for you. Because going no contact isn't just hard for the parent, it's also hard for the child. People think it's such a cold, manipulative, impulsive act, but it's often filled with grief and years of contemplation prior to even making this decision. grieving the loss of a parent that's still alive, grieving a loss of a parent that you never had. grieving that craving for love of a parent that your inner child never received. that it still longs for that love, that approval, that safety. having to let go of the fantasy that someday, maybe one day that'll change, that they'll change. And then there's guilt. The shame, the constant sadness of... and reminders like holidays and birthdays and special occasions, special milestones in your life and your children's lives. And you've got the fear of being judged by family and relatives and friends and society at large. It's so hard to hear the stinging words of, but that's your mother. He did the best he could or what people don't realize. is that you're saying those things through the lenses of your experiences and not theirs. Which brings me full circle to what I opened up this episode with. I wish I was coming from a place where I didn't understand what it's like to cut ties from your parents when I wish I didn't understand. I wish I understood what it was like coming from a healthy, happy, loving relationship with your parents. I wish my childhood was so amazing that I couldn't put myself in the shoes of someone who cut ties, that I couldn't even fathom the idea. A strange man is painful, but staying in an abusive situation. or an invalidating relationship can be deadly. There are parents out there that are not very well mentally. and there's no regulation for who can and can't have children. There's no system in place to train people how to raise their children. And the system that is in place in America is a joke. And the ones who suffer are the children. I have very close friends in a lot of these situations and they all have very different, very valid reasons for cutting ties with their parents and hearing the things that are said to them on a regular basis is so disheartening because I know from a uh deep... empathetic point of view that that hurts them to not have their parents in their life. They want nothing more than to call their mom on a bad day, than to get a hug from the parent they crave, they grieve not having. And people say things like, well, you'll regret it when they're not here. They're still here. I've already grieved the loss of them while they're still here. I'm not going to regret it when they're not here. It's not going to be any difference. If anything, there'll be more peace because I'm grieving. The grieving is valid. I've seen the narcissistic mother. The abusive parent that won't admit they did anything wrong. the parent that doesn't want to acknowledge. that abuse was even done to their child by themselves or anybody else. The mother that is so mentally unstable, she bashes her child to anyone and anyone to the entire internet and anyone else who will listen on a regular constant basis. constantly showcasing her hatred and bashing her child on social media platforms. mother that used to beat their children with a hairbrush every morning and drag them out of bed and slam their heads against the ground to wake them up and get them ready for school. A great way to start your day, right? And because she's so narcissistic and could never do anything wrong, it's not her fault that her children have nothing to do with her. Now it's the stepmom's fault. the parent that sold their children in exchange for drugs and sex acts. parent that left their child home alone in unsafe situation for hours and days upon end to feed their addictions. the mother that made their children do drugs with them and told them that if they would get in trouble if they told anyone. I could go on. These are all real situations to real people in my life and several of them are my own. But please continue to tell me and my friends that we'll regret this when they're gone. We're being too sensitive. People change. They didn't mean it. They're overreacting. You're overreacting. These phrases don't apply to those situations. And yes, I've grieved a mother. that's still alive on this planet. And when people say those things, it's very hurtful. I've tried to make this episode as very unbiased as possible by not sharing my specific situation or even I contemplated even admitting that I've been no contact, but my biological mother's... not well mentally. and refuses to seek help. And I haven't spoke to my father. My father left when I was two, so I don't have any relationship with him other than on social media. And then I just blocked him on everything because he was traveling the world and seeing all these wonderful, beautiful places, but not me. So why does he have access to my life? He doesn't. So there was no real emotional attachment or bond there. So going no contact and completely eliminating him from my life was... a very easy decision because he was never a part of it. So. So let's get into a little bit about why it's so hard for people to understand. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're conditioned to believe that. Family is sacred. Parents are inherently good. We owe our lives to them and therefore they can do no wrong. and no matter what, blood is thicker than boundaries. Culturally and religiously, we were raised to honor our father and mother. But what if those parents dishonor us, disrespect us or harm us? So many older generations are programmed to believe that's just what you do. In fact, I watched someone very dear to me every day go out of her way, inconvenience herself and her life to go take care of her very elderly mother who has said the most awful things to her, told her that she hated her and she wished she was dead and she wished she was never born. And she's the most, the biggest disappointment as a daughter and just anything that you can think of. She's just a hateful person to this person. And She just takes care of her, because that's what she does. Because leaving her abandoned and alone puts so much guilt and strain on her. And again, she might fall into some of the other categories that we talked about earlier where you're just trauma bonded at this point, which is almost what it seems like. her mother's so mean and disrespectful to her that any little glimpse of love and appreciation is what she's fighting for. And again, she'll never admit any of this out loud. And it's just hard for me to see her struggle and do these things for this woman who's so ungrateful. Now don't get me wrong, I love both women, so I'm not just... run in my mouth or anything. But I just, would never tolerate that level of disrespect. And I think a bigger part of this is her generation believes she has to take care of her mother and do these things. And I know in a lot of cultures you have to do those things. But I think a lot of younger generations are looking at this and being like, no, like your parents are just terrible humans and acting up because they think that you're just indebted to them and they know that they'll get away with it. Well. That's not the case anymore. We're no longer tolerating disrespect just for the sake of it. Do better. If you want me to dedicate my life to making sure that you're okay in your elderly years, you don't get to disrespect me when you have the ability to not. And again, there's a massive gap in the understanding of emotional abuse. I talk about people who can't fathom the idea of not communicating with their parents because they have decent humans for parents. They don't have abusive, narcissistic, trauma-inducing, dysfunctional people telling them how to live their lives and what to do, and constantly overstepping their boundaries. And also people who are friends with the narcissist that don't understand that just because someone doesn't hurt you doesn't mean they didn't hurt someone else. And emotional abuse is very real. Just because they didn't hit you physically doesn't mean they didn't hurt you. So when someone tells you that they've gone no contact with the parent, try to understand them, even if... you don't fully understand them. Does that make sense? You know what I'm saying? Don't give them your opinion based on your experiences. Don't tell them what they should and shouldn't do with their lives, especially if you don't know their story. So let's shift now because despite the pain on the other side of going no contact, there can be healing. you finally feel emotionally free and peaceful. You learn how to parent your inner child instead of constantly reliving your trauma. You can... Build a new family, the family that you choose, who loves you and supports you. You can break toxic cycles so the new generation doesn't have to heal from the same dysfunctional wounds. and you can reclaim your autonomy, your voice, your truth. People often judge what they've never experienced, but some forms of hate are invisible. and it doesn't make the harm any less real. So, in closing, just want to say that going no contact Not the easy way out it's often the bravest the hardest and Most self-loving choice that a person can make no contact isn't about hate It's about boundaries, it's about self-love and Sometimes it's about survival If this is your story, I see you. If you've made the decision to go no contact with a parent, you're not heartless. You're not broken. You're healing. and there is hope. And if you've never understood why or how someone could make the decision to go no contact, I hope today's episode... I hope today's conversation helped you see the bigger picture. and helped you come from a place of understanding and curiosity and not self-righteousness. or condemnation. remember family is not just about blood. Family is about safety, support, and shared respect. And if you haven't gotten no contact with the parents, but you were thinking about it, I hope today's episode gave you some insights on the decisions that you have to face and how they affect you and your loved ones and your life. And I hope you make the right decision. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is choose yourself. Thank you for being here with me today and growing and healing in. this difficult journey we call this often difficult journey we call life. I love you and appreciate you for being here. Like, share, subscribe, do all the things. Let's go do life. with confidence in our decisions. Love you guys.