Why You Reject Love, Help, Compliments, or Support

Summary

In this episode of the Do Life podcast, host Layla Dawn explores the often overlooked struggle of receiving, a challenge many face without realizing it. She delves into the psychological and emotional roots of this resistance, discussing how upbringing, societal expectations, and personal beliefs can create barriers to accepting help, compliments, and love. Layla emphasizes the importance of nervous system regulation and offers practical strategies to shift mindsets and embrace the act of receiving as a natural and empowering part of life.

Takeaways

Many people struggle with the ability to receive.
Our upbringing can create blocks to receiving.
Receiving can feel unsafe due to past experiences.
Nervous system regulation is crucial for receiving.
Compliments are often deflected instead of accepted.
Hyper-independence can hinder our ability to receive help.
Receiving is a skill that can be developed over time.
Practicing gratitude can enhance the receiving experience.
It's important to separate self-worth from productivity.
Everyone deserves to receive love and support without guilt.

Sound Bites

"You can't out think your body."
"You might be rejecting rest and ease."
"Receiving is a skill. It's a birthright."

LInks

https://youtu.be/CUyIOHid6fc

Transcript

0:00

friends. to the Do Life podcast. I'm your host, Life Coach Layla and today we're going to be talking about something that almost everyone struggles with. even if you don't realize it and that's the ability to receive. Now don't leave just yet hear me out. because many of us block the very things we say we want. How hard is it for you to accept something as simple as a compliment? Do you say thank you and appreciate it? Or do you say, this old thing, I just got this? How many men out there are willing to let another man help them carry something, move something, do something? If that's something you struggle with, then stick around because today We're going to explore where that block comes from. why your nervous system might not feel safe receiving. and what you can do today to open up to more ease, connection and abundance. So first, let's talk about why it's hard for us to receive. many of us are wired to give, to do, to perform. Proof. but then we sometimes feel vulnerable or unsafe when it's our turn to get back or receive. Sometimes our upbringing plays a big role. Many of us were taught to believe that if you were receiving it was because you were weak or selfish or lazy or indebted to that person. I personally struggled with the indebtedness. I didn't want anyone to do anything for me because I didn't want to have to owe them. My best friend growing up used to yell at me because I was such a rude child, adolescent, teenager, whatever. Anytime somebody would hold the door open for me, I wouldn't say thank you. And she was like, you're so rude. Why do you do that? I was like, I didn't ask them to hold the door open for me. I don't owe them a thank you. I didn't want or need that service. And at the time, I felt justified in that I didn't feel like I was being rude or disrespectful. I didn't ask them to do me any favors. I didn't feel like I owed them any gestures in in response. And I understand the logic still, but grown up me is like so embarrassed and apologetic to all of those people because it is so rude. And yes, I didn't ask them to do that, but it was the part of me that was rejecting favors. I didn't want to owe anybody anything, even something as simple as an apology. And that was very deep rooted in my upbringing because my biological mother was not very financially well off and uh in fact we were dirt poor. So she even to this day as far as I know is constantly borrowing, begging, pleading for people to give her money and do things for her instead of making it on her own. So she always felt like somebody owed her something, including me. And I never wanted to feel like that. I wanted to be independent. I never wanted to have to rely on other people to support me. And I rejected that so deep into my core that I didn't realize how much I was rejecting because of it. And so my mindset was I didn't want to receive because I thought that she was lazy. I thought that she was selfish and she felt like everyone was indebted to her or she, don't know, whatever it was, I just, I didn't want any part of that. So I rejected receiving even simple things like gestures, holding a door open for me or complimenting me. Like. my god, I love your hair. I'd like, why? I don't. Instead of just a simple thank you, receiving compliments is so hard for so many people. And I was taught that for the longest, even now to this day, people will be like, I like your hair. I'm like, thanks, it's behaving today. Sometimes it is actually behaving. I have naturally curly hair, and it does whatever it wants. Regardless of what products I use, what techniques I use, I can kind of make it do things that I think it will do, but it... it decides ultimately what it's going to do. when I say, thanks, it's behaving, it's still a deflection. As much as I think that's fun to say, thank you by itself is hard for some people. It's hard for me to just say thank you and accept and receive that compliment. And that's kind of what the catalyst for this episode was is It's not just receiving a compliment, it's receiving anything in general. And some of us, other people reject receiving because they feel like they have to let their guard down. Like receiving doesn't feel safe. I have a friend of mine who didn't want to receive gifts because she was in an abusive relationship and he would go out of his way to get her garbage gifts that she didn't want and then make her feel bad about it. And there was all kinds of psychological damage that was attached to that, but it blocked her ability to want to receive. And again, simple things like compliments or gestures. was rejected because she was meant to feel very unsafe in those situations. Then you have the people who've always been the helper, the strong one, the independent one, the one, the overachiever, the one who's always there for everybody else. A lot of times somebody giving to them feels unfamiliar, almost threatening. Like I go back to the big strong men who's, I'm carrying this table by myself. And then some other guy comes up and was like, let me help you with that. No, it's fine. I got it. And then later they go home like, oh, I hurt my back. I did this. And they're whining and complaining because they didn't want to let somebody else help them. Why? Because it felt threatening. It was threatening their manhood to let somebody else help them. They needed to prove that they could carry it on their own. Where does that come from? And rejecting receiving can show up a bunch of different ways. Sometimes you can say, no, I got it. And you're exhausted. And you really do want the help. it's just second nature to say, no, no, thank you. You don't even think about, yeah, actually, I could really use some help. A lot of times we can sabotage opportunities that come. had a friend of mine who worked at this job forever, complained about it constantly, hated it, was ready to move on. Somebody handed her a job, basically said, all you have to do is fill out this piece of paper and it's yours. And she rejected it. Why? It's the same as someone who craves connection and closeness, but then goes out of their way to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. So let's talk a little bit about the psychology behind it and some of the science. I often talk about regulating your nervous system because it's so important for a lot of reasons, including receiving. I mentioned earlier that you have to feel safe in order to receive. And when your nervous system is dysregulated, a lot of times we don't feel safe. Chronic stress, trauma. or hyperindependence rewires the body to be in a constant state of survival, flight or freeze. And in that instance, giving feels safe, but receiving feels dangerous. And that's where the nervous system regulation comes in. Then there's the Polyvagal Theory. Connection and receptivity happen in the ventral vagal state, calm, grounded, socially engaged. But many of us live in the sympathetic, the overdrive or dorsal, the shutdown states. The body needs to feel safe And that's not a mindset issue. It's a physiological truth. I did an episode on nervous system regulation and I talk about how you can't out think your body. You can't tell yourself, I'm calm, I'm calm, but you look like this. When your nervous systems is regulated and you're like, I can receive, I can receive. It's kind of the same thing. You can't out think your body and your body needs to feel safe to receive. So I will link the episode of nervous system regulation in the show notes so can check it out if you want. But it is very crucial as far as part of the recovery process. And I know I've already talked a little bit about some of the signs that you struggle to receive, but let's go over a couple more. So we talked about your having an inability to... Accept compliments or praise you brush them off you say this old thing. thanks, whatever or I like yours blah blah blah, too A lot of people don't realize that when someone compliments you and you feel required to give them a compliment back you're deflecting Just say thank you you'd be surprised how ridiculously empowering that is and how much you struggle to do that because it's just second nature. I like your shoes. Thanks. I like your hair. I like your dress. this thing I got on Amazon or whatever. just say thank you. Like it's to be consciously aware of the fact that you're deflecting by complimenting them back. You're, you're making it even. You're not receiving. You're doing a give and take. It's not receiving. You're not receiving that compliment when you compliment them back or you deflect onto something else or you say this whole thing or whatever your response is. It's not receiving. So be consciously aware of that and try to make it a point to just say thank you. You'll thank me later. even if it feels awkward because that brings me to my next point is if you feel awkward when someone offers genuine kindness when someone would open a door for me I hated it I don't want to say I felt awkward I hated it but if you feel awkward when someone does something nice for you might be rejecting receiving We talked about sabotaging success, but you can also sabotage rest or just at ease. So many of us feel guilty for resting and doing nothing. Like there's always something we can do and say you have a moment where it's like, Hey, I got the kids. I'm going to take them here. I'm going to do this thing. Just sit down and relax and rest. And you can't, you're rejecting. You might be rejecting that receiving, receiving the gift of rest. Husband takes the kids or the wife takes the kids and you have a moment to just relax. Do you get up and start doing chores, cleaning the house, doing other projects and things that you've worked on or can you just sit there and be peaceful? You have to be doing something. You might be rejecting rest and ease if that's the case. And I know the majority of us feel more comfortable giving than receiving, but you shouldn't feel as uncomfortable receiving. If somebody gives you a gift and you don't have a gift for them, what do you feel like? Guilt? Shame? Are you mad at them because you didn't know they were going to give you a gift and you didn't have an opportunity to go get them something? So you're upset about getting a gift? You might be rejecting it. If receiving a gift unexpectedly angers you or makes you feel any of those things I just listed, That's a telltale sign you're rejecting it. You're actually rejecting it. Even if you physically take it, every part of your being is rejecting that gift. How empowering would it feel if somebody gives you a gift and instead of wanting to shrink inside and being like, my God, I didn't get you anything. you didn't tell me we were doing gifts or I don't want anything, whatever your response is that's rejecting it. How empowering would it be if you just said, my gosh, thank you so much. This is so thoughtful. I appreciate this gesture. Do you know what that makes the other person feel like? because when they give you a gift, they're typically genuinely happy about giving you this gift unless you're in some sort of abusive situation. But for the most part, when I think of giving someone a gift, I'm so excited because it's usually something I saw that reminded me of them or something I knew they just had to have. And I got excited about buying it for them and giving it to them. And so when I give this to you and you're like, I didn't know we were getting gifts. You shouldn't have got me anything. I don't want anything. How does that make me feel? How does that make you feel if you're giving someone something? So not only are you rejecting this gift, but you're rejecting their... their kind gesture. But yeah, like how does how does that make them feel? How does that make you feel? What if next time someone gets you something unexpectedly, you just say thank you? I know it's a weird concept, we talked about it before, but yes, you can just say thank you. It's okay. Another sign that you are possibly rejecting receiving is if receiving makes you feel inadequate. If you equate your self-worth with your productivity, with your usefulness, with... with generosity or giving to others, then having somebody do something for you is going to do the opposite. It's going to make you feel small and useless and unproductive and whatever other adjectives you want to add. This makes me think of my granny Marge. God rest her soul was such an amazing woman. She was such a giver. She gave the best hugs. She was just the best. She was always giving and she was so full of love. And when she got too old to do chores, she... felt so defeated and you could tell she would complain. You know, she had to get a chair to do the dishes. And when even that started to hurt her back, was, it was so detrimental to her mental health. she just went on a very steady decline because she always did for other people. And when she couldn't do as much, she felt inadequate. She had her self-worth tied to what she could do for other people and she hated not being able to do those things. And obviously I didn't realize those things at the time that that was what was happening. But I just remember those, like how upset she was that she couldn't do the dishes because I hated doing the dishes. And I know deep down she wanted to do the dishes because she knew I hated doing the dishes. There was a whole There's a whole reason, there's a whole backstory between me and dishes and maybe one of these days I'll get into it, but not right now. knowing that she knew how much I hated doing them and wanted to do them for me and. and got so upset when she couldn't. I didn't understand at the time why she was so upset, but now I get it. It was because she had tied herself worth to how much she could do for other people. And when she couldn't do any longer, she felt unworthy, worthless, useless, whatever adjectives you want to throw there, just throw the whole book at her. And... We need to make sure that we're mindful of that. Now, it's one thing if you do something you feel accomplished, you feel proud, that's fine, but don't tie your self-worth into it. You're worth so much more than what you can do for other people and who you are to others. There's so much more, it goes so deep. And I just don't, I don't want you to attach those surface level thoughts and ideas to yourself because you could. hurt your mental health because of it. I was in a debilitating car accident and couldn't take care of myself and had other people come and do things for me. And I hated it because I was so self-sufficient and independent that having other people take care of me was like the worst thing ever for me at the time. So when I say I don't want you to tie your self-worth to what you can do, it's because I did at one point. So I'm just trying to... save you from that and it was really hard to get out of that mindset and it's a struggle and so when I say things like just say thank you and walk away it was a struggle for me to learn how to do that. I'm still not that great at it. You still might catch me deflecting but I'm consciously aware of it and it's something that I'm working on so I don't expect you to like magically change overnight. That's not realistic but being mindful and cognitively aware of these things and signs and symptoms can help you make baby steps gradually along the way and not be stuck in this perpetual state of an inability to receive, which is ultimately why we're here today, right? another sign or symptom is pushing away love and generosity and help even if you deeply want it. I remember a time being so independent that when anybody wanted to help me with anything it was like no I don't need you. You hear like the jokes like I don't need no man. That was me. A hundred percent. I didn't need anybody for anything even if I did. No, I'm going to learn how to change my oil because I don't want to owe you anything time, money or any other expectations. I'll figure it out myself. I will get on the roof and clean my gutters. I will find the hole in the wall. I will patch this. will whatever. so yeah, hyper independence is a sign of an inability to receive and again, rejecting, rejecting that love, that closeness, that companionship because A lot of times people think they're not worthy of love or worthy of receiving. And we talked about Tying yourself worth to what you can and can't do for others is the same thing. And if you don't feel like you can love somebody fully and completely, you'll reject that love from them. Also something I struggled with, but we're not going to get into detail about that either. And in fact, let's change the subject. Let's start talking about ways to start receiving and how do we shift our mindset. So we talked about nervous system regulation. Obviously that's going to be the easiest because a lot of times we're rejecting with our body, not necessarily our brains. Some of these actions are subconscious. We don't even know that we're doing them. So being cognitively aware is going to be helpful in the long run. But then changing your body, learning how to use breath work on a regular basis and meditation. You stay at a calmer sense, It's way easier to receive when your baseline is grounded and humble and calm. So using breath work and meditation practices are going to do that. I do have at the time of this recording monthly mermaid meditation Mondays. The first Monday of every month at 7 p.m. Central time, I... go live on the YouTube channel and do mermaid meditations. So if you'd like to watch those whenever or join me live, I would love to have you. We talked about practicing receiving small insignificant things like compliments, a smile, someone holding the door, just saying thank you. And then maybe pinpoint in the body when someone helps you do something, where do you feel it? It's my shoulders. My shoulders immediately tense up. I'm like, ugh, I hate it. Where do you feel in your body when someone wants to do something nice for you? Do your hands clench up? Do your toes curl? Is your stomach sinking? Like where in your body are you holding on to this? And can you breathe through it? Can you? let go and be more mindful of it. Again, it's not an overnight thing. It's not going to be like the first time somebody does something and you acknowledge it and feel it, you're going to be magically healed or better. But these are just things to kind of be mindful of and try to just work on. Healing is not a linear. It's not like I was here, started from the bottom, now I'm here. It's not a straight line. It's a It's a gradual. So it's okay. It's not like I had a hard time receiving and I'm better now. No, it's I had a hard time receiving. I received this thing just fine. this one I struggled with and this one I did better with. It's going to be a flow. So don't beat yourself up. Make sure you have realistic expectations. Most of the things that I talk about on my podcast are not a straight line. from here to here. You're going to have your ups and downs and your struggles and know that that's human and that's okay. So we talked about, where do you feel it in the body? Can you trace back your conditioning? I learned that I had a hard time receiving because I watched my mom expect everybody to give and I rejected that. so knowing that that's where it stemmed from, I can reframe that in my brain. So maybe. Think back to your childhood. Who taught you that receiving was dangerous or weak or selfish or whatever thoughts you have around it? Can you pinpoint where that came from? Whose thoughts are those? And maybe, maybe if you have a hard time figuring out like where it came from, try to identify your own individual beliefs around receiving, being helped, supported, or even being seen. What, what does that feel like to you? What are your beliefs around that? Journal prompts are the easiest way to ask yourself questions and then just start writing answers and figuring them out. And then once you can pinpoint what your beliefs are, try to reframe them. So I don't want to receive things from people because I don't want to be seen lazy or entitled. Receiving makes you human. maybe reframe it in something along those lines. like I was talking about getting and giving a gift. Can you just be happy for the joy that person feels by giving you that thing and be joyful in receiving that thing? Receive it with gratitude and not guilt like thank you so much for this kind gesture Thank you so much for this beautiful gift. I absolutely love it if you do obviously I'm not telling you to lie but be appreciative if if I think Back to my my example if I'm giving somebody a gift it's because I thought about them or I saw something that I thought they needed to have and I'm usually pretty good at those things. So if I give you a gift, it's Probably genuinely something that you want and if you reject that I feel rejected I'm getting better at not feeling rejected because I'm aware that you're just Incapable no unwilling to receive Unaware that you're rejecting receiving. That's it. That's the phrase I'm going with So when I give a gift and I feel rejected I make this podcast episode so we can stop that because it's not fair to the person who is so excited. You're taking that joy away from them when not only do they have this immense amount of joy for giving you this gift, they're hoping this gift brings you the same joy. Like that joy is vicariously through your joy that this gift should bring you. So when you reject it, you're, you're taking away the joy from both of you. So just receive with gratitude and be grateful, even if it isn't a great gift and it's not going to make you as joyful as they want. As long as there's no... ulterior motives tied to it that you're aware of, be grateful. Just be grateful for the gift. And receiving without earning is, I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but again, it goes back to like your to-do list. Like you can't just rest without thinking about what all the things that you have to do. You can't just accept love without doing something to earn it. Can you practice receiving without earning? Can you let someone just love you without feeling like you have to earn their love? Can you just be loved? Can you just let someone do something for you without feeling like you need to do something in return? You don't have to earn that gesture. It's hard because our almost second nature. It's almost like we're trained to do that. So that's why I say when you can pinpoint where this started can help a lot. But for the most part, it's just a second nature to want to give back. And there's nothing wrong with that per se because again, it's natural to want to give, but practice receiving. And just like everything else, receiving is a muscle. Again, our muscle memory is to give as soon as we're given to. So it's a muscle that you have to build up strength to. You can't just go to the gym and lift 400 pounds. You have to start gradually and work your way up. So. Start small, stay consistent. and increase your capacity to receive smaller, gradual baby steps over time. Again, someone compliments you, a simple thank you is a baby step. And maybe do some deep thought and some reflection. Has there been something that's happened to you recently or in the past or regularly that you struggle with? Let me know in the comments, in the chat. I'm genuinely curious. Hopefully this episode has been helpful and you found value. If you want to do one-on-one coaching with me or go deeper, I invite you to go to my webpage and sign up for a free complimentary session with me. and really contemplate what is your relationship with receiving. Let me know. I'm so excited. Remember that receiving is a skill. It's a birthright. You don't have to earn your way to love and support or rest. You don't need to prove you're worthy of being helped or seen. And your job is to create this safety and space inside yourself to allow you to receive it. And because you're already worthy and deserve to feel safe, supported, and loved. You deserve to receive all the good things that are coming to you. I truly do love and appreciate you and thank you for being here. Like, comment, share, subscribe, do all the things. Let's go do life openly. Bye, thank you.