Your Words Aren’t Working—Here’s How To Say What You Mean

Summary

In this episode of the Do Life podcast, Layla Dawn explores the complexities of communication, emphasizing that it's not just about words but also about intention, emotional awareness, and perception. She discusses common pitfalls in communication, such as misinterpretation and emotional filters, and offers practical tips for improving communication skills, including the importance of asking clarifying questions and understanding different communication styles. The episode highlights how effective communication can enhance relationships and reduce conflict.

Takeaways

Communication is more than just words; it's about intention.
Most people believe they are good communicators, but miscommunication is common.
Effective communication is tied to emotional intelligence.
Clarifying questions can prevent misunderstandings.
Miscommunication often stems from emotional interpretation and assumptions.
Understanding different communication styles can improve interactions.
Emotional filters can distort how we interpret messages.
Being clear and concise in communication is essential.
Communication issues often stem from childhood experiences.
Asking clarifying questions builds clarity and avoids conflict.

Chapters

00:00 The Essence of Communication
03:12 Understanding Miscommunication
05:57 The Role of Emotional Intelligence
09:58 Cognitive Distortions in Communication
13:58 Clarifying Misunderstandings
18:47 Types of Communication
22:14 Nonverbal Communication and Its Impact
26:11 Energetics and Intuition in Conversations
30:39 Understanding Communication Styles
38:11 The Impact of Miscommunication
47:37 Clarifying Conversations for Better Understanding
54:35 Improving Communication Skills
01:01:51 Healing Communication Issues from Childhood

Links

Do Life Website

www.layladawndoeslife.com

Certified Life and Business Coaching

Bioptimizers

https://bit.ly/4f6GI5Z

(Use Code; Dolife10)

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100087296620862

LinkedIn

https://www.linkedin.com/in/layladawn/?lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_feed%3BPgTMeoJKSceLs9UXfCGN6g%3D%3D

https://youtu.be/yhAMLsgnfmA?si=cLtNlff_Mj2rIc28

Transcript

0:00

Have you ever left a conversation feeling like the words you were speaking just didn't really land? Like you spoke, but you weren't being heard. Or maybe you misunderstood someone completely. and didn't realize it until the damage was done. Communication is more than just words. It's energy, it's... intention and its presence. Most of us believe we're good communicators, But the truth is miscommunication. is one of the most common issues in relationships, workplace environments. and even how we relate to ourselves. And when we understand how to speak and listen with awareness, everything changes. Welcome back to the Do Life podcast. I'm your host, Life Coach Layla, and today we're going to be breaking down how communication actually works, why we get it wrong so often. and what you can do to be more effective, clear, and confident in how you express yourself and understand others. So let's get into it. why communication really matters. Let's get one thing clear. Communication is how we connect, how we express, how we love and we lead. It's not just about talking, it's about being seen, heard, and felt. The key is communication is not just about what we say, it's about how we say it. And it's also about what they hear, which is at the root of all. the different ways that we build relationships, solve problems, and make decisions. And when it's off, everything is affected. relationships, unclear communications can lead to... assumptions, conflict, disconnect in your workplace environments, miscommunications can lead to... lost opportunities or clients, missed deadlines. unmet expectations, all kinds of things. And the research shows that people only hear, well, they only retain about 20, about 20 to 50 % of they hear in a conversation. because most people are busy listening with the intent to reply and not with the intent to understand, which I think is a lot of the problems with social media these days. Everybody is just more focused on getting their point of view across as opposed to understanding the other person. There's so many people that are just fighting and arguing because they're not hearing what the other person is being said. They're too busy trying to convince them that their point or their side is right. That's not how we communicate. Communicating is about listening with pure curiosity and listening to understand, not listening to rebuttal. And the sooner the internet realizes that, the better. Good luck, right? Anyway. and while we're talking about it, one of the biggest problems with the internet and or text messages or communication these days is there's no tonality. There's no body language. There's no There's no timing or any other psychological way to influence how your message is received. And half of the people don't even use punctuation, which makes it even harder to try to figure out what you're trying to communicate. But we're not going to get into that. Studies also show that effective communication is also directly tied to your emotional intelligence. I did a whole episode on that and it's important. I highly suggest that you go find it. I will link it in the show notes below or above or wherever, depending on what platform you're watching or listening to this on. And basically the more self-aware you are, The more you can clearly express yourself without triggering others. And I say that because having a higher emotional intelligence means that you are very receptive and aware to the other person's point of view. When they're speaking, you're understanding and listening from their point of view, not yours. It's probably the easiest way I can put that. A big portion of miscommunication is cognitive. was cognitive distortions like. mind reading or jump into conclusions or personalization. can distort how we interpret others. and express ourselves. So example, your boss sends you a short email. You read it and assume he's mad at you or he's upset with you. When in reality, he might just be really busy and wanted to get that out. But your interpretation of it is going to cause you to react or respond in a way according to what you. Perceive so if you think he's mad at you for something He shouldn't be mad at you for you might respond aggressively if you think he's mad at you And you feel bad because he's mad at you you might respond timidly and it just, creates an unnecessary tension and just a small miscommunication because you're, I don't want to say you're reading too much into it, but it's essentially kind of are. When you put other people's emotions into situations that you can't be sure of. especially in emails and text messages. Now, if you're talking to someone that you really know, even I don't want to say that this is okay because this is where most miscommunications happen is you're texting someone that you really know and they say something and then you just assume it's how you think they meant it as opposed to asking clarifying questions and saying something along the lines of, you mean to make that sound like this or did you mean this or this? Because I could interpret that either way. So whenever something is emotionally triggering, ask a clarifying question before you react instead of respond. That way you're responding appropriately and you're not so quick to miscommunicate. I have a friend of mine who is very easily triggered and it's understandable. They had a very rough upbringing and I make sure that I ask a lot of clarifying questions when we're having a conversation because I know that they will be so quick to miscommunicate. They'll misinterpret the things that I say because they're overly reading into things and they're overly assuming that my body language, my mannerism, my tone is not what it is. And so they'll respond and say different things and I have to clarify and ask them. So when I said this, what did you hear? what did you think I meant by this? And then I can get a better understanding of what their interpretation was so then we can have effective communication. having an emotional intelligence, I'm able to pick up on those cues a little bit better because I can see her body language shift or whatever eye roll or something. I can pick up on that and I'll say, wait a minute, what did you hear? What do you understand? What did you think I meant? Because I can tell in their response, that it was received inappropriately. And I want to clarify before we continue the conversation because that miscommunication can skew everything else that comes out of my mouth. And then everything I say is misinterpreted to be attached to that feeling or that emotion or whatever it is that they've decided. So it's... It's really important to ask clarifying questions and not assume that you know what the other person is thinking or meaning instead of just asking them specifically. And it's hard to get used to doing that because that's not something we're normally brought up to do. I speak for the majority of the people I associate with. I don't know, maybe in other parts of the world we're raised differently and... Maybe this video doesn't age well and I know a lot of parents that are doing a much better job than our parents did. So maybe we are raised that way. But to ask before you assume is all of that in a nutshell. But it makes sense because our body is wired to look for social cues. our nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of danger. And it's called neuroception. I say that they've had a particularly traumatic upbringing, but I mean, even someone who hasn't still has that ability and that, that tendency, whether they know it consciously or not, that they're always on the lookout for danger and ways to protect themselves. And Danger is no longer a tiger in the woods, at least not for most of us. But it could also be danger in the way somebody says something or does something that triggers something that we disliked as a child. So when your words sound nice, but your energy is off, people will feel that. Their neuroreceptors are like, mm-mm, something's wrong. You talk about your gut intuition, or you're just a deep knowing of things where I will... I'm not gonna call anybody out on my podcast, but I definitely have conversations with a handful of people that I know are absolutely full of shit. I'm just gonna say that. They are... talking to me and it's not just a casual conversation. It's almost like they're preaching to me. Like they're trying so hard to convince me that what they're saying is true and it doesn't matter what they say or how good of actors or actresses they are. I see through their bullshit. I know that everything they say is just garbage and sometimes I call them out on it and sometimes I just distance myself from those people because I don't want to associate with liars. If I'm being honest, and especially not people who think it's okay to lie to my face multiple times for no real reason that I can tell, other than just trying to convince me that their story is real and true or whatever the situation is. I just, I don't need that. I don't want that. And I can see through that and it doesn't work. So if you've ever lied to me, I promise you I didn't fall for it. 90 % of the time, I'm not falling for your bullshit. So just stop, just quit. And that's not just me, it's not like I have some superpower. There are a lot of people, their neuroceptors will ring, ring, ring and shine alarms in their brains that are like, hey, this person's full of shit. And we don't believe them. But then our Labrador brains kick in and we convince ourselves, no, this person wouldn't lie to me. Why would they lie about something like that? That was... my thing. had a friend of mine who lied to me about a lot of stuff and I thought that we were just really good friends and they were just confiding in me and then I put two and two together and their stories didn't match up or they couldn't keep their story straight and other people would talk about certain things that happened that were completely the opposite of what they told me happened and And I just, was like, hmm, I didn't catch that they were full of shit because I felt like I had built a level of trust with them. And what happened was I was just convincing myself, like, why would they lie about, they wouldn't lie about this. We're having a deep personal, like heart to heart moment. Why would they lie to me about something so trivial? But then the more I noticed it, the more I realized it was just happening. And I don't believe anything that they say. And I don't even want to like have conversations with them because I'm just like, I don't, I don't trust you. I don't trust anything that comes out of your mouth and you talk a lot. So, wow. I didn't mean to turn the whole podcast into that. I might edit half of that out because I feel like that's just me rambling about a specific situation, but We're talking about the neuro-ceptor. So yeah, just don't lie to people because they'll know about it. How about that? And then you don't have to worry about miscommunicating things later down the road because you don't have to worry about keeping your story straight. Maybe you should do a whole podcast episode on lying. Let me know if you think that'd be good idea. I think I might. Since I just rambled on for like 10 minutes straight about it, I might as well. Anyway, back to, what are we talking about? Cognitive. cognitive insight about miscommunication. Anyway, let's move on to... to the different types of communication. So first, let's break down how people actually communicate. It's not just what they say, but how it comes through. There's a study by by Albert Melabrani. I'm not even going to try that. Melbrani and Melba. Yeah, no. Anyway, there's a study done by this guy named Albert who shows that. 93 % of communication is nonverbal. 55 % is body language. 38 % is your tone and only 7 % are your actual words. So what does this mean? Well, that means that if you're listening to the podcast, you can't really see my mannerisms. So you have no idea my body language, what I'm doing, how I'm moving, if I'm talking with my hands, if my eyebrows are going up or down or whatever, any of those things. But you can hear the different tonality in my voice. You can hear the spacing and the pausing and the inflections upward and downward in my voice. if you're not. listening to this or watching this, you could be reading it. You could just be reading the transcripts in which they'll have a decent amount of punctuation, but it's mostly done by AI and there's still a lot of glitches and things aren't correct. now you're playing scientist and trying to decipher what's real and what's not, what I meant to say, what's spelled incorrectly. I try to catch most of it before I post them, but sometimes I'm just strapped for time and I don't. So until I get a team underneath me and editors and things, it's just a lonely and all this by myself just to bring you some fun information and entertainment and self-help tips so bear with me for now but if you're reading the transcripts you don't see my body language you don't hear the tonality you don't hear the spacing or the pausing so you're just left with the words and the way that I use them in the order that I use them so let's talk about the four main ways that humans communicate So like I said, there's your verbal, your tonality, your... your pacing, your vocabulary, the words you use, the order you use them, right? Then there's nonverbal, your body expressions, your facial expressions, your movements. And then there's the written, like I said, if you're an emails, texts, transcripts. and written social media is that's where most of the tone and everything gets lost. So if you message me and I text you back or message you back and I say, it's fine, you can read into that like, yeah, it's fine. Or yeah, it's fine. You can't hear my tone. You don't know what that sentence means. And that's where you're perceiving what that tone means. And how you perceive that is where miscommunications happen. So something like that be like, Is it fine fine or is it okay fine? Or however you want to word that with whoever you're talking to. But ask a better clarifying question than that. I'm just... making things up as we go along, but you get the idea. Ask a clarifying question to try to better understand tone and perspective instead of inserting your own into the conversation. And then there's energetics and intuitives. Empaths, healers, and intuitives can often read energy levels. Like they just instinctually know certain things. they can read emotions beyond human logic. And there's been several studies done rather recently on telepathy and... The study I read, didn't want to call them autistic children. They called them non-verbal or non-speakers or non-spellers or however they worded it. But it was... was different levels of children that were labeled as autistic and came to find out that most of them had some sort of telepathic abilities and they were all meeting up at some place called The Hill and it was just, I don't know, it It was some crazy research I stumbled upon and it was super interesting. Highly, suggest you look into it if you're into that kind of thing because it was just mind blowing the amount of information. But we can't ignore it. I think at this point, you know me well enough to know that I'm not afraid to bring up something that's taboo or metaphysical and And like I said, I have a sixth sense. If you're bullshitting me, can genuinely just tell. Even if I don't act like I know, I know. And that's energetically reading into the conversation. And I try to give you the benefit of the doubt because, maybe my intuition's a little bit wrong, but it's usually not. So I try not to rely heavily on my energetics in a conversation because sometimes that can get misconstrued with, my own perception. So I try to take everything as face value. I'm not a very passive aggressive person. I will never say, yeah, it's fine. If it's not fine, I'll be like, no, I'd rather you didn't. So. I'm very factual and I'm very to the point and I'm very literal most of the time. And I'll say some things that are, you know, fun and imaginative and I exaggerate sometimes and... I try to talk creatively and build a picture when I'm speaking and talking and doing things. But for the most part, I stay fairly literal. I say what I mean, and I want you to interpret what I say as what I mean. I have no handed agenda. There's no subliminal, not subliminal. There's no ulterior motive or hidden wishes. It is what it is. And then there are some people that are... naturally more expressive. visual communication. have a coaching client who she didn't want to do zoom calls. She doesn't want to meet face to face on a computer. She wants to meet face to face live in person because I feel in the several conversations that I've had with her, I feel she reads the energetic she feels. what's happening. She likes to read the body language. She likes to see the responses. And you can't always do that on a Zoom call. Right now you have no idea what I'm doing with my hands unless I put them in camera vision. And they're all over the place. So I'm just going to say that. So for someone like her, she wants to see when I'm talking with my hands. She wants to see my expression. She wants to see if I'm crossing or uncrossing my legs, if I stare off into space, things like that. So some people prefer visual communication. I know it was so frustrating for the longest time. I was trying to teach my mother to text me back when we communicated. And she was like, I just want to call. It's so much quicker to call than, and then that was the, the T9 text where it was like three, three, three to get a letter or whatever it was. So I get it. I could do it super fast. So I just wanted her to do it because it was so much easier for me to text her in the middle of my day than to stop and have a conversation. And I know that generation of I don't want to say boomers because some people are so triggered by that and almost offended. But that generation, it took them a while to adapt. want to say COVID really forced them to, okay, I've got to use this iPhone. I got to figure out what I'm doing because I can't communicate with anybody if I don't. So that really made a big difference in the way we communicate with other people is... even if you have a preference to see them face to face, you want to communicate visually. It's not always... possible. and knowing your strengths can... can shift everything. And I say all that because knowing how you communicate and then knowing the different types of communication and the preference in communication can help you be a better communicator overall. So if you know that you like to communicate a certain way and somebody else wants to communicate a different way, finding that happy medium, that middle ground where you guys can connect and have a good conversation. in the way that each other wants to be heard and received is so profound when you're trying to maintain any type of relationship, whether it's personal or work. or professional. There are also four main types of communication. There's passive, there's passive aggressive, there's aggressive. And then there's assertive. So passive avoids expressing their opinions or emotions and then they tend to get overlooked for things and then they tend to resent people because of that. Then you've got your passive aggressive. and they express needs in a forceful or dominant way, which can instill fear in others. and just create conflict because most people might tend to perceive that as disrespect. Like, who are you talking to like that? Like, who do you think you're talking to? Or, yeah, like most people would like, who do you think you're talking to? Who made you the boss? Those phrases, yeah, those are natural responses to someone who's speaking in an aggressive tone. And then you have passive aggressive, which is someone who appears to be passive and calm and tone in nature, but is fueled with resentment and anger maybe directly or indirectly. That's the yeah it's fine. Now again anybody should be able to pick up on that tone and be like it clearly it's not fine but if I'm asking you to do something and I really want to do it and you're just saying yeah it's fine because you're being passive aggressive and then I go do it now you're even more angry and then I can blame it like well you said it was fine. even though I should have known based on your tone and everything else that it's not. Again, if you're not a good communicator, if you're not emotionally intelligent, you might just assume that, it's fine means it's fine. And that's where... Lots of miscommunications happen. Like, I want to go to the strip club with the boys tonight. Yeah, whatever. OK, cool. She said, yeah. And then they go. And then you come home at 5 in the morning. Where were you? I was so worried you'd answer your phone. my phone died. There's no signal where I was, blah, blah, whatever reasons. And I went to the club with the boys. Why would you even go there? I can't believe you did that. Well, you said it was fine. I would never say it was fine to that. Well, you did. And now you have this cycle and the circle and these. I've seen that one happen a bunch. That's why I brought it up. Like a couple of friends of mine rather recently even had that conversation because she was like, yeah, fine, whatever. She didn't think he was actually going to go. And then he went and she was like, I can't believe he did that. I was like, well, you kind of told him to anyway. So yeah, so there's passive aggressive and the fourth one is assertive. which is where I try to stay between passive and assertive so you know what message I'm trying to convey. And assertive is just very factual, very straight to the point. They clearly state their needs and boundaries while respecting others. Ultimately, that's just a goal. Now, obviously, there's gray areas between all of them, and we tend to fluctuate somewhere in between all of them. I would be a liar if I said that I didn't do some of those things some of the time. But I try to be very mindful of where I'm at and what I'm doing. So the more you know, the better. You'll be in the long run. And knowing the different types of communication, how people talk, what they mean when they say, how to interpret their type or style of communication. Cause if you have someone who's a very aggressive talker, communicator, everything they say comes off as aggressive. And it's not necessarily meant to be aggressive most of the time, possibly. But that's just how they communicate. So if you're aware of that and you understand that, then you're not gonna take an offense to everything as it comes out. You'll just be like, okay, they just want this done, I'm just gonna go do it. I don't need to read into anything or be offended by anything. This is what they want done, I'm just gonna go do it. And that'll save everybody a lot of time and miscommunication down the road. So a fun practical tip, something you could do is pay attention to your own communication skills, pay attention to your words. Do you say, do you say I'm sorry all the time? Do you really mean that you're sorry? Is it just a habit of saying it? Do you apologize when there's no reason to apologize? Because when you do that, your apologies lack effectiveness. Do you minimize your words with things like I think or I feel or just, I know I do that a lot, but. That is minimizing your words so they don't come across as very factual, not factual, but almost offensive to some people. So learn them and use your strengths instead of fighting against them. So let's get into the nitty gritty about how we miscommunicate. I could probably be here forever. So I'll try to keep it short and sweet and to the point. But miscommunications is definitely something that needs to be addressed. And I want to clarify again that perception is projection. we hear through our own filters. or upbringing or wounds or beliefs. I was at a seminar last summer and the girl on stage says, you know, there's 500 of you in this room and every single one of you sees me as a perception of themselves. You're only able to perceive me to the level you can understand me, to the level that you have. Understood in your brain and I see her on stage and I think she's very put together. She's very thought out She's very blah blah blah blah blah. Those are my thoughts my perceptions of her Maybe has absolutely nothing to do with who she is or what she does and it was that in the back of my head that made me okay with doing this podcast because if somebody doesn't perceive me the way I want them to that's okay because they're only going to perceive me to the level they're capable of and when you're trying to avoid miscommunications, your perception of someone is going to play a big factor in that. So like I said, the one friend who has a habit of misinterpreting things I say because she's overly analyzing every bit about my mannerisms and my tones as a trauma response, she's also projecting. So not only is her brain trying to keep her safe, but she's projecting onto me what she thinks that response will be. So someone who... was raised in a home where directness meant danger. she they might avoid conflict and become passive aggressive. Someone with severe trauma might interpret, they might misinterpret feedback as rejection. And then there's neurodivergent miscommunications. Someone who's very literal as opposed to someone who's very metaphorical. It's easy to miss each other completely when trying to communicate. And most communications break down because of three main things. Your emotional assumptions. sorry, your assumptions, your emotional filters, and a lack of clarity. And what I mean by that is your... Assumptions is what we talked about when you're filling in the blanks with what you think someone meant. You don't know that that's what they meant, but you fill in that blank and just assume things instead of asking clarifying questions. your emotional filters is when you're hearing things through past traumas or emotions. If your new boyfriend is yelling at you and mad, or he's in the kitchen and he's yelling at the kitchen and he's mad, you interpret that as he's mad at you. Meanwhile, he just stubbed his toe on the chair and he's just mad at the chair. But your brain is emotionally attached to that thought process. And then your lack of clarity is pretty self-explanatory, but basically, If you're not being specific or direct about what you need, yeah, it's fine. You can go to the strip club. That's going to cause a miscommunication if that's not what you actually mean. Don't say that. Just point blank. Just don't. If you don't want them to go, don't say, it's fine. And then be mad at them when they do that. That's not okay. and you're setting yourself up for failure. You're setting them up. You're setting your both of you up for failure. And that's not fair. Don't play like that. Don't don't play those games. And some of you are like, okay, so what does a clarifying question actually look like? And my favorite is when is just to repeat what they said. Okay, so when you said this, did you mean this? I heard this. Or can you help me understand what you meant by that? Or can you go a little deeper into that sentence just so I can have some more clarity so I don't miscommunicate it? Let them know. Hey, I don't want to misinterpret anything that you're saying and I'm a little confused right now. My reaction or response could go either way based on what you actually meant by this thing that you said. And then they'll be more apt to clarify because chances are they don't want any more miscommunications either. And this simple shift in the conversation, builds clarity and it avoids future conflict, which is basically what I just said, I think. It's also, I bring it up so many times because it's led to so many profound changes in my own personal relationship. Like my partner and I will have the same conversation in the same room and hear two different sides of the stories. We'll get angry and walk away and then... And then when we come back to each other and we try to have a clarifying conversation about what actually took place and what was said, it was like, well, you said this and I don't appreciate that because of this. And it was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I said this because of this. Did you hear this because of that? And then we can figure out where the disconnect came from. And we've gotten really good at not saying things just out of spite or anger and just, we have a safe word for fighting. I know some couples have safe words for other things, but we also have one for fighting. And it's kind of funny. like he wants to remedy everything right away. What are we doing? What are we doing? How do we fix this? Talk to me. What's this? What's wrong? And I'm like, I am going to hurt your feelings if you don't give me a minute to fucking breathe. Like leave me alone. Let me gather my thoughts so I can have a mature conversation with you. Cause right now I'm all emotions and rage and no good's going to come from that. So when we get to that point in our conversation, I will say skittles. Because it's hard to stay super angry and ragey if you say the word skittles. That just in and of itself will calm you down. You're welcome to adopt that if you feel that'll be helpful in partnerships and relationships. I've told my friends about it and most of my friends and I don't really have a lot of conflict, but if we ever were, I think they would probably throw that. throw that white flag also is the word skittles into the conversation so we can take a break and be nice. But what that does is it helps us come back and understand, so I got really upset when you said this or did this because, and then they can say, okay, well, I can see that you're upset because I said this and did this because you thought this, I meant this. and then we can have a normal conversation and fix the problem and get back to communicating on a healthy level. So that's why I say asking clarifying questions is so important because we have two completely different perspectives of life. Like we're in the same room and we'll watch the same movie and hear different parts of it. We'll have a conversation about the same movie we just sat and watched and we watched entirely different movies. And it's so funny how I used to joke with them and be like, your brain's broken, but really it's just different. We're just different. And knowing that we're different and understanding that we're different and trying to communicate appropriately is hard, but also helpful because it's helped me be a better communicator all around in my work as a manager with my children, with my friends. So that's why I bring that up because it's been so profound and impactful in my own personal relationships that I just feel like everybody could benefit from knowing this. So I'm just trying to share the love and the information. something else that I also do is I use a check in technique. I check in with myself like, am I triggered? Do I want to respond from that trigger? Do I want to understand what the trigger is? Do I want to express to them that I'm triggered? If something is said, do I want to say, hey, that made me feel something. Can I take a minute to process that? Or if we ask a clarifying question and it's still. triggering, you'd be like, okay, well, you know, that triggered me. I'm not entirely sure why, or maybe I need to take a break. check in with yourself. What are you feeling? Are you projecting into the conversation because you were triggered by something? Is this something that you can get over really fast? Is this something you need to take a moment about? Is this something you want to communicate to the person that you're talking to? You don't always want to be like, wow, that's triggering. Please shut up. No, if you're talking to your boss, you can be like, I need a minute to process that. Can we revisit this after lunch or something along those lines? But also be mindful of are my actions and words triggering them? Are they out to hurt me? Am I trying to hurt them? That's why we have the safe word and we stop amid argument because it gets to the point where we're just saying mean things to be mean and neither one of us want to do that because those things we can't take back. And we were really, really not nice people back in the day and we've tried really hard to not be those people anymore. stopping and checking in with yourself. Like what is the intention of this conversation? What do I hope to gain from this? What do they hope to gain? Why are we having this? How do I feel? How do they feel? How am I making them feel? These are all very valid questions and it's perfectly okay to stop mid conversation and assess. especially based on the emotional situation. especially based on the emotional state that you're in while you're having this conversation, because sometimes you're saying things to respond. You're saying things out of anger. If you're dysregulated, you're not listening, you're responding. You're defending. And that's a big, big problem I see in a lot of personal relationships because when you're with someone that you feel close to, you should be like, hey, you know, it really bothers me when you do this and this. And then instead of saying, that sucks that you know you're bothered by that I didn't realize that I'll do better or what part of it bothers you because you know this is something that I've always done like can you pinpoint what the trigger is or why it bothers you let's come to an agreement but most people don't have that response most people are like well you do this and this well it bothers me when you do this and they come off defensive as opposed to just being curious and listening to their their person from from their perspective and trying to understand. They're not listening to understand, they're listening to defend. So check your emotional state when you're having certain conversations with certain people, especially ones that you know are triggering. And I am going to get a little metaphysical. You can skip to the next section if you're not interested in this, but I've been recently studying human design and I've been reading about gene keys and all of these fun things and miscommunications directly aligned with your throat chakra. I've been following astrology for as long as I can remember. it's funny to me because, know, Mercury is in Gatorade again. It's Mercury is the communication planet. It's the planet of communication. So that's why there's so many problems because it's not just technology, it's communication in general. So if you have a difficult time expressing yourself, communicating, do some things that work on your third chakra. It's light blue. So if you want to use crystals, there's things like kunzite, kyanite, not kunzite. That was wrong. There's things like kyanite. aquamarine, blue lace agate, anything light blue will help you open that throat chakra. always use this is this is appetite. Nevermind. That's blue appetite. I love crystals. I have all my jewelry and my things because they I love the energies that they make me feel. But when when you need to like if I have a speech, if I'm going to be on stage or if I have a job interview or I have a hard conversation, I will wear blue kyanite because that helps with communication and expressing the words and saying the things that you want to say and it helps your message be heard. So that's my favorite little cheat sheet. But also you can look at where mercury falls in your birth chart. So I'm a Virgo. I'm ruled by mercury. So I'm very precise and analytical. you're... If your mercury is in cancer, you speak from emotion and make decisions from an emotional place. And if your Mercury is in Pisces, you're intuitive and poetic. So finding where your Mercury is on your birth chart can help you understand how you can communicate. Or if you're talking to somebody else, like anybody I have a good relationship with, I have their whole birth chart. I know where everything is. And I know, I feel like it's a cheat sheet to how that person behaves. And I think it's just kind of fun. but whether you believe in these systems or not. the key remains the same. Communication improves when... we become more intentional, aware. and clear. which segues into how do we communicate better? So like I said earlier, listen to understand, not respond. You're not thinking about the next thing that you say. One of the things that I learned in my life coaching classes that was one of the hardest things I had to learn in my life coaching classes was how to be okay with silent and be okay with pauses. Now I understand when there are certain instances where that's not always ideal. You want to be a fast thinker. You want to be quick to on your feet and able to answer questions, but also being able to pause and process what was said and respond as opposed to react. That's where you can get away with asking the different clarifying questions because you're not just so quick to be like, but you do this or you said this. No, it's. Okay, tell me more. So what you're saying is it gives. It gives space for correction and it shows a deeper interest in understanding, which that in and of itself can be relieving to someone. So if I have a conversation with someone who's always defensive and always just feeling attacked and responds accordingly for them to start asking questions and be like, okay, well, what do you mean by that? Please explain more. I'm going to feel heard in a way that I haven't felt heard in a long time. That's why these things are so important. which when you use I statements instead of you statements, it comes across less offensive as, know, like, I feel like blah, blah, blah, instead of you always or you never. So you're not you sentences which place blame and cause them to be defensive as opposed to I feel like I'm not being heard. as opposed to you never listen to me. Do you see how the difference in those two sentences are and how they might be received differently and how the person who's receiving that can respond accordingly in different ways? One way is not going to be very productive and the other way might be slightly better. And when you're arguing with someone, it is absolutely okay to pause and take a breath, gather your thoughts before you respond. If you need that. Now, when you're fighting with someone you don't like, sometimes you need to not do that. But we're not talking about that anymore. We're talking about communicating with people we want to communicate with and making it better. Something you could do just to practice communication is start a blog, write a journal, dance, sing, learn how to express yourself emotionally, freely, so you don't feel so reserved and tight when it comes to expressing yourself verbally in a conversation. And I know that sounds kind of silly, but there are psychological benefits to that. And we're not going to get into all of it today, but yeah. You can write poetry, can journal, you can do voice notes, make your own podcast. But the more you express yourself, the more confident you'll be in the long run. And this is gonna be kind of a tough one for a lot of people, but it's so, so, so important, not just in how we communicate with people, but how we live our daily lives. So I talked about the person who's easily triggered. There's a lot of inner child healing that needs to take place. And that is not a woo woo thing. That is a real thing. CPTSD, right? Those are the right letters in the right order, whatever. It's a real thing. I don't mean to devalue it, but it is honestly, it's a real thing. And when you heal your childhood wounds, you don't let them rule your life so much. when I have a hard time communicating with someone because everything I say or do is triggering, that's really hard for the people around you to tolerate. And I do it because I love this person and I want to see them do better and I am cheering them on. I'm their own personal hype man. Like I want to see them succeed so well in life. And I know they're working on things and killing that child inside. is going to trickle into how we communicate and how we live our lives in general. Like so much benefits from that. because most of our communication issues stem from childhood. Like I know I am real quick to just shut down and not talk and just let you keep talking, talking, talking, talking, talking. So the whole time you're running your mouth, you're either saying mean hurtful things to me and dig in your own grave, or you're saying all the things that you need to say so you get them off your chest and you feel better. And I go to bed just angry and then I hold it in and then I hold grudges and I'm trying really hard not to do that because When I was a child, mother was definitely, my biological mother was very much, tell me what's wrong, let's fix this, why are you mad at me, what did I do, tell me, tell me, tell me, and I need my space. And we fought all the time because she refused to give me my space. And I said really mean and hurtful things because that's what I did when I got really angry and you don't give me my space. That's why I make it really. important to have that space now because I don't want to be that person. I don't want to do those things. I'm working on healing that part of my child that man that teenager is a struggle. She was easy to heal baby Layla, know, little, little bitty kindergarten Layla was easy to heal. had, we had good conversations and it was playful, but this teenager version of me that I'm trying to heal, man, she was a mess. She's a lot and this is a work in progress. Just be mindful, it's not gonna be easy, but it is necessary and it is something that your whole life will benefit from when you learn how to do that effectively. So yeah, communication issues often stem from childhood. If you weren't heard or seen or communicated with properly, then you might scream or revert to silence now. And then the last bit of information I have is identify the emotion, not the person. So when you're having that conversation. saying things like. I felt disrespected as opposed to blaming them. You disrespect me. Again, these are received very differently. So name the emotion. I'm feeling unheard. I'm feeling disrespected. I'm feeling neglected as opposed to you neglect me. You're making it I and not you. And it's the same thing, but you're also using, you're taking it a step further with the emotion. I feel, I am, I have been as opposed to you always, you never, you do. So just be mindful of that. I want to do a quick recap. Communication is not just about words. It's about perception, clarity, and emotional awareness. Understanding your own style and others is key to reducing friction and building trust. Miscommunication often stems from emotional interpretation and assumptions. You don't have to be a clear speaker. just have to be, wait, you don't have to be a perfect speaker. You just have to be a clear and intentional ones. Say what you mean. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't say, yeah, fine, whatever. If it's not fine, don't say it's fine. If you're not sorry, don't say you're sorry. Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault that you're not sorry for. You're just saying you're sorry because it's a habit of saying, sorry, you're not actually apologetic. And then your words lose value. not just in the sorry, but everything else that you say sounds like filler. It sounds like you're just saying things to say things because you have a habit of doing that. So be specific, be clear, be concise with your words. Say what you mean. So I hope you found value in this. hope it was helpful and insightful. I hope you can communicate better with people and me. Please let me know what you think in the show notes and like, share, subscribe. Definitely share this with someone that you would like to have better conversations with and be a better communicator. If you think it's going to be received well, don't just send this to your boyfriend and be like, here, listen to this chick. Don't get me in the middle of this. I don't want to be in the middle of this. But anyway, I love you and I thank you so much for being here. Let's go do life communicatively. Yes, that is a word. That's a real word. Yeah. So let's go do that. Bye guys. Love you.