No One is Coming to Save You: The Self-Love Revolution

Summary

In this episode of the Do Life podcast, Layla Dawn explores the multifaceted concept of self-love, discussing its importance for mental health and emotional well-being. She delves into the barriers that prevent individuals from embracing self-love, debunks common myths surrounding it, and offers practical tools and rituals to cultivate a deeper connection with oneself. The conversation emphasizes the significance of compassion, gratitude, and surrounding oneself with positive influences, ultimately highlighting that self-love is a continuous practice rather than a destination.

Takeaways

Self-love is the practice of caring, appreciating, and accepting oneself.
Barriers to self-love often stem from societal pressures and negative self-talk.
Self-love is not selfish; it is essential for personal well-being.
You don't have to love every aspect of yourself to practice self-love.
Self-love is a daily practice that requires commitment and compassion.
Surrounding yourself with positive people enhances your self-love journey.
Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for self-respect and love.
Practicing gratitude shifts focus from lack to appreciation.
Emotional acceptance is vital for mental health and resilience.
Self-love can raise your vibrations and attract positivity into your life.


Sound Bites

"You can't pour from an empty cup."
"Practice compassion towards yourself."
"Self-acceptance is key to emotional well-being."


Chapters

00:00 The Journey to Self-Love Begins
01:01 Understanding Self-Love: Definition and Importance
01:43 Barriers to Self-Love: Social and Scientific Perspectives
03:03 Practicing Self-Love: Daily Habits and Mindset
06:17 Debunking Myths: Common Misconceptions About Self-Love
09:24 The Journey of Self-Acceptance
13:31 Practical Tools for Developing Self-Love
28:07 The Importance of Self-Love
29:17 Self-Love as a Lifelong Journey

Links

https://youtu.be/31emlrbCi0o?si=u0ROLiWa07SbRCLP

https://youtu.be/ZV3S2kHEHvg?si=sGa46nYqgDvsWv3v

https://youtu.be/f3B2zEKNF8M?si=ChVeFyfRue-4HCbz

https://youtu.be/yhAMLsgnfmA?si=kGXcSJA3mojVNG_T

Do Life Website

www.layladawndoeslife.com

Certified Life and Business Coaching

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Transcript

0:00

Hi friends, welcome back to the Do Life podcast. I'm your host, Life Coach Layla, and today I want to ask you a question. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and truly appreciated the person staring back at you? Not just for what they've accomplished or how they look, but truly appreciate that person. for who they are, flaws and all. And if that feels like a tough question, then today's episode is for you. Self-love is often talked about but rarely understood. Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves? And what can we do to change that? In this episode, we're unraveling the social, scientific, and metaphysical layers of self-love. We'll break the barriers that hold us back. debunk common myths. and explore practical tools and rituals that you can use today to foster a deeper, more meaningful bond with yourself. So grab a cozy spot or take this podcast on a walk with you or driving to work or wherever you're going. But today is going to be very heart centered. and mind expanding. So let's dive in. What is self-love? Self-love is basically the practice of caring, appreciating, and accepting yourself. but not in a selfish or conceited way? but more as an acknowledgement. of your inherent worth as a human. why don't we love ourselves? We're basically immersed in standard societal norms. And the rise of social media basically amplifies this by... Constantly comparing our behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reels And here's the kicker. When we internalize these things, we create a belief system. that says, I'm not enough, I don't measure up to these other people. I'm not good enough until I get to where they are. And it's these. beliefs that are the biggest barriers to to true self love. From a scientific perspective. Self-love is tied to our brains internal wirings. I guess we don't have a lot of external wirings on our brains anyway. Negative self-talk activates the brain's amygdala, is the fear base center. triggering a stress response. over time, repeated negative thinking forms a neural pathway. that makes self-doubt and criticism a habit. There's also attachment theory. we briefly talked about that in our last episode on love languages that states that if we grew up in environmental conditions where love was conditional or inconsistent. we may struggle to internalize self-worth as an adult. We're hardwired to want love and connection. And when... early experiences teach us that love is conditional, self-love becomes elusive. And if we're talking about metaphysical blockages, let's get a little esoteric for a second. But basically. Self-love often correlates to blockages in the heart chakra. And when this energy is out of balance, feelings of jealousy and unworthiness and. self-criticism can dominate. So clearing and healing this energy can help. paved the way for a deeper level of self-acceptance. self love even look like? Self love is more than just a concept. It's a practice in how you show up for yourself every day. A few hallmarks of self-love are... understanding your strengths and weaknesses. acknowledging your talents, but also being okay with your limitations. being patient with yourself. I, man, I'm not good at this one. Wait, let me rephrase that. I am learning how to get better at this one. but allowing yourself room to grow and make mistakes without judgment. having a self care routine. We have a whole episode on self care, why everyone needs it and some very practical tips. link that episode in the show notes below or wherever, depending on what you're watching or listening to this on. But yeah, prioritizing your physical, mental, and emotional health with regular acts of self-care. Surrounding yourself with positive people. building a network of supportive people that genuinely care and love and uplift you. And last, but not all inclusive, is be kind to yourself. Show yourself compassion during tough times rather than self-criticism and I'm not gonna act like I'm real good at this one either. but it's it's so important when you're feeling Defeated if something happens if you don't make a sale at work or you bomb a presentation the self-loathing Yeah, the self-loathing that comes immediately afterwards is more detrimental than the act that you're loathing, if that makes sense. So like if you didn't make a sale and you really needed to make that sale, you get so caught up in the fact that you didn't make that sale and you caused so much more damage internally by dwelling on it and beating yourself up over it. And the act that you didn't make the sale, was it important? Yeah, probably. Is it the end of the world? No, probably not. And instead of just going over the moment in your head and telling yourself, I'm a loser. can't believe I screwed that up. I did this or this or that or whatever. Instead of beating yourself up over it, I like to take any situation that's a negative. And this is maybe a little over the top on my part. But like if I stub my toe, I'm like, OK, what am I supposed to learn from this? What was I thinking of right before? And it's usually something awful. And sometimes you can't always learn something, but I feel like there's always a lesson. So I try to find it even if I make something up that doesn't make any sense. But if you didn't make this sale, what was this supposed to teach you? What did you learn from this? You learned that you didn't listen to the buying signals What did you do or not do in the sales process that you could have done better next time? So instead of diminish your self worth, how about we figure out what we could learn from that? So. I know I lingered on that one for a little while, but it's. It's one that I think I think a lot of people struggle with more so than most. And I could be wrong. Maybe you don't have self care or, you know, whatever. But it's one I think is often overlooked is that we forget to be nice to ourselves. We we don't talk to ourselves like our best friends talk to us. And I try to. This is gonna make me sound really crazy, but I try to have like my best friend's voice in my head. And when I hear negative self-talk, I think what would she be telling me right now? Is she gonna agree with me? Does she say, yeah, Layla, you suck. I can't believe you did this. No, absolutely not. She's gonna be like, yeah, shit happens. whatever, you know, so maybe that's something that helps. So before we dive into some solutions and routines and tips and tricks or whatever, Let's talk about some common misconceptions. So, myth number one, self-love is selfish. The truth, self-love is the opposite of selfish. You can't pour from an empty cup. The airlines tell you to put your mask on before other people's. Take care of you so you can take care of others. If you don't love yourself, you can't fully love someone else. You can't fully expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself. I found this so... So true in so many of my romantic relationships where I go to give my love to someone and all they do is talk down about themselves and how much they hate themselves and how they're just not good enough. And then eventually you start to believe that. I'm like, you know what? You're right. You aren't good enough. I'm going to peace out. And I'm joking kind of, but when I date people, when I dated people like that, it was hard for me to give my love to them because they couldn't accept it fully. You can't fully accept that somebody loves you for you when you can't love you for you, if that makes sense. And coming from, I don't know if this is metaphysical or mental or what, but I feel like when you are not in love with yourself or you don't love yourself as much, it comes out as judgment towards other people. So when we're overly focused on our flaws and our shortcomings, we're going to be able to pinpoint and notice them more and other people. So it's harder for us to genuinely love more. when we don't love us enough. And then the second misconception about self-love is that self in order to have self love you have to love everything about yourself. That is not true. For the longest time I growing up I hated my nose. Everybody made fun of it. I was called bird beak whatever and then I got older and then I bounced it off of somebody else's head and it got crooked because it was broken and then I hated it even more and I've eventually just come to this is my face like I don't It's what it is. Like I, I vowed as a child when I got old enough and made money, I was going to buy a nose job and I just don't care anymore. And do I love my nose? No. Do I accept that it's a part of my face? Yes. And I think that is a big key factor in learning how to love yourself a little bit better is accepting your flaws for what they are. And again, if it's something you truly absolutely hate your You look at it and you despise it and you self loathe it every day. Go get a nose job. Like that's, there's nothing wrong with that. There's, there's nothing wrong with you doing that. If you feel like that's what you need to feel better, if, that's what you need, then go do that. But I challenge you to, really dive deep. Like, can you accept that this is just part of your face and what you look like and be happy with that? And if you can, then why, why bother with the rest? Who are you truly doing this for? Is it because you hate yourself the way you look in the mirror? Why? If nobody else was on this planet, would you still want to go get a nose job? Or do you really just care that much about what other people see and think? because that might be a bigger problem or something that you might need to reflect a little more. But I digress. So. The second misconception You don't have to love everything about yourself. Self-love isn't about perfection, it's about compassion and acceptance. the third misconception is that self-love is just a feeling. Self-love is a practice. Self-love is showing up for yourself every day and accepting you for where you are and acknowledging where you want to be and knowing that you're taking the steps that need to be done to get there. And it's okay if you don't get them done as fast as you want them to or even in the order that you want or whatever setbacks or things. Those are part of life that happens that should not be directly tied to your self-worth. But self-love is a practice of showing up for yourself every day even when you don't want to. Do you guys like my shiny prom background? This fun thing right here. So my daughter graduated in 2020 and there was no real prom or anything. So for her 18th birthday, we threw a prom party in the house and I just found this backdrop and I thought it would be funny to get all decked out in my sparkles with my self-love earrings, because they're sparkly and shiny. So I'm just, I'm shiny and sparkly. Because I thought it was funny and I'm amusing myself. I just wanted to share that with you so now you know why I have a prom party backdrop behind me. We did a under the stars theme and I had little sparkle stars and moons and things hanging from the. ceiling in the basement and like we did a whole thing. It was fun. It was super cute. Me and her and our my oldest all dressed up in prom dresses and went and got matching tattoos of our animal footprints. Me and my oldest daughter got her kitty cats and my middle daughter, whose birthday it was, got her big old dog paw print. And that was that was a lot for her first tattoo. But and then we we saved the one cat on a canvas. So when my youngest turns 18, we can go get their cats paw print on them too so then we'll all have matching tattoos. I think that's so cute. But yeah, so this is my prom backdrop and that was why it exists in my house and I just thought it would be fun to share. know, cause self love, high school's a really rough time to love yourself. I don't know a single person in high school that loves themself. Everybody I think in high school hates themselves and... And there's so many reasons why when I think back to being in high school, which we're not going to talk about how long ago that was, but I can really relate to those feelings. Like the first time I ever felt. Real, real dark or had my my. No, it definitely wasn't my first bout of depression, but one of many and one of the hardest was I was like 17 and I was just convinced that everybody hated me and everybody was just pretending to be my friends and then making fun of me behind my back and. It was the whole thing. anyway, so yeah, my prom. So where where was I? Okay, so I guess I was at the, we just talked about, yeah, so we were talking about the common misconception. So let's get into some practical tools for developing self love. So we kind of talked about this briefly, but practice compassion. And again, almost everything I'm going to tell you today is something to practice. You're not going to just wake up tomorrow morning and be like, I'm compassionate towards myself. No, that's not real life. I mean, maybe it is, but for the majority of us, it's not. And it's something that you need to practice and you need to get better at every day. I do mermaid meditations on the YouTube channel and I have one on forgiveness. I'm a six phase meditation facilitator and I specialize in forgiveness. And one of the easiest ways for me to learn and practice self love was by forgiving myself. I forgave my younger versions of myself. I forgave me as a teenager. I forgave me as a young adult. I forgave me as an early mother. I forgave me as a not so early mother. I forgave me last week for buying something stupid. I forgave me for signing up for a class and spending money on something and not implementing it and utilizing it. I forgave me last night for doing some for not getting something done during the day. it's, it's, it's a small, easy practice, but the more you learn to forgive, the more you learn to accept. so practicing compassion will help you be more understanding. When you make a mistake, remind yourself that you're human and mistakes are part of the process. You learn more from failing and making a mistake than you do from succeeding. Scientifically, like our brains will remember something that we messed up because we will never do that again. That feeling, that fear that it incites will cause us to remember that more. So. I always look at like when I mess something up like, I really need to remember the right way to do that or, you know, just something silly to just to get over it. But also, like, listen to your best friend's voice in your head. If you do something that you didn't want to do or you made a mistake, like, What are they going to say to you? Maybe try compassion. Maybe try being compassionate with yourself through your friends' voices in your head. If you have good friends, obviously. And then that basically like brings me to challenging your negative self-talk. We also had a whole episode on that. I will link in the notes somewhere. But this is if you don't want to listen to the episode, I'll give you my favorite cheat sheet. But when I wanted to pay attention to how many thoughts that I had in my head on a daily basis that were negative, I would. I would catch myself thinking something bad. I don't want to call it bad. I I would catch myself thinking something that wasn't ideal and I would hear the GPS voice in my head say redirecting. So pay attention to your thoughts and when you're thinking something negative or you're daydreaming about something that you shouldn't hear the GPS voice say redirecting and then change it to a positive. What if, what if the opposite were true? So if you're thinking of something, think of the opposite, make it happy and don't be concerned how many times you'll hear the GPS voice in your head if this is something that you try to implement because you will think you're crazy because there is a lot. And the fun part is the more you do it, the more you notice it and the easier it is for you to change and the less frequently it happens. So paying attention to the negative self-talk. and replace phrases with like, I'm stupid, I'm a failure, I can't do anything right with, I'm learning, it's normal to make mistakes, what am I meant to learn from that, or what was this here to teach me? And there's research that shows that self-compassion is directly linked to better mental health and resilience. And not everybody wants to do these things. But if if writing helps you journaling, write down affirmations, you don't just have to like Stuart Smiley say them in the mirror, but you can. And that's also awesome. But you can write down things like I'm growing, I'm worthy, I love me and writing them down every day and reading them and repeating them and saying them. It changes things psychologically, like on a subconscious level that will trickle into your conscious level. And that kind of segues into the next tip, is create a self care ritual. So if writing in your journal every day, if lighting a candle. So pink is the self love color. If you want to get into. the specifics like rose quartz if you're interested in crystals. So you could light a pink candle wear a rose court bracelet or ring or something like that. And that's my metaphysical tip for you. More practical tips would be to practice forgiveness. You can do the meditation, is, not, know everybody's like, I can't really meditate. But if you're one of those people, it's not really a meditation. It's like a guided visualization. Let me rephrase that. So it's not as intimidating to some people. So it's a guided visualization that you do. that creates a scenario between you and an incident or a person or a younger version of yourself or younger version of that person and you forgive them. So practice that or write down things that you need to forgive. can journal, can, there's all kinds of options. You can write a letter to yourself for giving you for. things that you've done in the past. another part of a self-love ritual could be your reflections, know, a lot of like, part of my self-love ritual is I spend two hours every morning for me. So I wake up at seven and I start work at nine and those two hours are mine to exercise, to journal, to plan my day, to contemplate life, to... do my hair and makeup, to shower, whatever it is I feel like doing that day, but I show up for me first, and I feel accomplished by doing things for me, so that way I can show up for others. And taking that time in the morning every day is how I show love and compassion to myself. You can have a nightly ritual where you reflect your day. Okay, how did today go? Did I accomplish everything I wanted to? if things happened and it wasn't what I wanted to happen, what was I meant to learn from that? How can I grow from that? How can I accept me and those things moving forward? So creating some sort of ritual, something that resonates with you, something that you feel good about to reaffirm your love and acceptance for yourself. Setting boundaries is another episode I can link to. But it's basically, it's part of that you can't expect other people to love you if you don't love you, part of the conversation that we are having. And setting healthy boundaries shows other people that you love you. And those people that should love you will eventually learn to respect those boundaries because they'll appreciate you. loving you in a way that sets those boundaries, if that makes sense. So setting healthy boundaries is a very practical tool that you can use to show yourself self-love because when you go out of your way to do things for other people and you're so stretched thin, you start to fall short and fail more and... And that could ultimately lead to feelings of self-loathing and resentment. And so when you take the time to show up for yourself. you can show up better for other people. So boundaries is definitely one of those things. which also brings me to building positive relationships. And I know I mentioned this earlier, but it's so important for you to have a team of people behind you that uplift you and ground you and, and encourage you. I read somewhere that you're the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. And if those five people are self-loathing, negative, and constantly talking down on you and tearing you down, it's hard to get out of that bubble. Like the negativity is like a cancer. It's like a plague. It spreads and it just sticks and it's so hard to get rid of. when you're happy and positive. It's so hard to stay happy and positive because it feels like when you're in an environment you don't belong in, everybody around you is trying to drag you down and... It's real hard to take a look at your environment when that's the case and be like, what do I need to do to get out of this situation? Can I make it better? What is gonna change? And that's a hard internal conversation to have. That's a hard reflection to have. That also. can lead to more self-loathing. I'm stuck in this miserable relationship because I didn't work enough and I didn't save enough money to get out on my own or... I didn't save, I'm stuck in this miserable relationship with this man that I made all these babies with who doesn't help and doesn't do anything and can't even provide properly and expects me to do everything. And then you snowball and you have that just kind of lead more and more into that negative self-talk. So all of these things are kind of interconnected and having a support system, having at least two or three friends that you can confide in that will help you and talk. to you and lift you up and praise you and see you for the real you makes a world of difference. And even if you can't find those people, you you're new mom, you can't find time to go have coffee with someone. There's online groups. Find hobbies and things that you like and join groups and meet people online. have several really good friends that I met online because we were in a We were in a group together and the one girl who, the one girl just decided to make a group chat with like six of us in it and was like, you guys are my people and I want to have more conversations with you. And it was like, okay. And we all felt cool enough with her. And then the more we started talking and opening up in the group chat, the more it was like, let's meet up, let's be friends. And now they're, there's, they're all really good friends of mine. And we learned that we all have mommy issues except for one, but it's fine. We still love her anyway. It was just kind of funny that we all ended up like meeting and living close together and it worked out. So you can find support groups even if you don't ever meet up with them. Just having those conversations online was awesome. You know, the one girl had so much going on in her life. She's going through a divorce. She met a new guy and couldn't really talk about her new relationship publicly because it was a whole thing. And so she was able to turn to us and have those conversations with us. And I think that that saved her so much mentally by having that outlet and being able to do that because she couldn't really talk to anybody in her personal life because of the legal proceedings. So find a support group, find good people that love and care about you and uplift you. And practicing self-acceptance is another one. And I know we've said this in several other ways, but it's okay to feel your feelings like. Recognize that your emotions will come and go. Feel your feelings without judgment. I can't tell you how many times like I wanted to cry, but I didn't cry because I didn't want to be judged for crying because I'm not. mean, I'm not a person that cries often, but I cry even less often if I think I'm going to be judged for it. Well, thoughts. I don't I don't care anymore. I'll cry in front of you right now. No, I'm kidding. Kind of. No, actually, I'm kidding. But. I'm just saying I don't care about the judgment of other people now, but there's so many other times where I didn't want to cry because I didn't want other people to see me cry or I didn't want to cry because I felt stupid about crying this. You know, I broke up with this guy because he's a loser. Why am I crying about that? I didn't understand the feelings and I didn't want to feel those feelings. And so I was judging myself for having them. And I see that happen often where you cry like your body wants to cry. The neat thing is, did you know that like dopamine's released? Is it dopamine or oxytocin? Either way, one of the like happy hormones is released in your tears when you cry, so your body's actually like getting rid of things, is it cortisol? Hold on, let me Google that real quick, because I know that's a thing. What hormone does your body secrete through your tears? your body actually releases hormones like oxytocin? Prolactin. ACTH. and Lou Wickennaf, something else. But these hormones are actually like excreted in your tears when you're emotionally crying, which is your body's way of relieving stress. So all of these times that we didn't want to cry, we're actually stopping our body's natural ability to soothe us. And it's doing the opposite effect. So practice, practice self-acceptance. It's OK to cry. It's OK to feel your feelings. I always told my kids like. This is just a season. You can feel your feelings. You can stay here for a day or two, but don't live here. You're just visiting. You're just visiting. And then this tip sounds kind of cliche, but practice gratitude. I know you hear that it's all over the place, but gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. But it does have psychological and neurological benefits because your... shifting your focus from what you lack to what you appreciate. And I probably could have added this in the ritual section, but something you could do every day is like write three things that you love about yourself. Write three things that you're grateful for. Like I'm grateful for my long hair. I'm grateful for my ability to grow long nails. I'm grateful for my mental fortitude. So, mean, silly things. You can be like, I'm grateful for this toenail. I don't know. Like, whatever you're happy, whatever makes you happy. No judgment. I'm not here to judge you. You're not here to judge you. Stop that. Write down what you are grateful for every day. And then the last tip I have is a little bit metaphysical, but you can practice sound healing frequencies. Heart chakra frequencies are like around 639 or something like that I think. There's a lot of guided visualizations and meditations. Like I said, you can use the rose quartz, anything pink, a pink or green candle for the heart chakra. but doing an energy cleaning. See a Reiki specialist. One of my good friends just got certified and I know it's a little metaphysical and this isn't gonna be a practical tip for everybody, but it's out there and I wanted to share it in case it is something that resonates with you and you can find helpful. So why is self-love even important? Self-love is more than just a feel-good practice. It's essential for your well-being. And here's why. Improved mental health and wellbeing. Building resilience. Understanding your value. Better relationships. in a nutshell. Let me elaborate on those just a little bit. So improved mental health and wellbeing, self-love reduces anxiety and stress. and depression while increasing feelings of happiness and love and acceptance. Building resilience, we've talked about this already, but. When you love yourself, you're better equipped to handle life setbacks and bounce back from challenges. understanding your value. Self-love helps you recognize your self-worth, empowering you to... Make decisions that align with your core values and needs. And then better relationships, you set healthy boundaries, you surround yourself with more uplifting positive people. It's a whole thing. So these are all the good things. And again, from a metaphysical point of view, when you practice self love, you raise your vibrations. And when you raise your vibrations, you actually attract more things of love and abundance to you. so you end up emitting a frequency that attracts and draws more people and experiences into your life that have that same frequency and value. So I guess in closing, self-love isn't a destination. It's a lifelong journey. And it's not an easy one because our brains and habits and neuro pathways are wired to self loathe and self depreciate and all of the negative things. So to change that into a positive is, a journey and you have to learn to love and appreciate the journey as well. And it's about showing up for yourself with the same kindness as you would your best friend or somebody that you love and care about. And remember the relationship you have with yourself sets the standard for the relationships you have with other people. So let's recap real quick. We explored what self-love looks like. It's about understanding your strengths and weaknesses, being patient with yourself, prioritizing self-care. We discussed how to build self-love through practices. like self-compassion, challenging negative self-talk, and setting healthy boundaries. We highlighted why self-love is so important. for your mental health, resilience, and relationships. And finally, we touched on some metaphysical aspects. reminding you that self-love raises your vibration and attracts more positivity into your life. So if today's episode resonated with you, I challenge you to send this to someone that you think needs more self love. and to practice doing at least one of the things that we discussed in this episode. Let me know how it goes. Tag me in social media, like, share, comment, subscribe, do all the things. I will leave links to the nine million videos that I mentioned in this episode in our show notes. I feel like this is going to be a problem. The more episodes I have, the more links I'm going to have to start. I don't know. I might. I don't know how to, I don't know how to handle that. I'm going have to reach out to other people because that's, that's a thing. But yeah, I'd love to hear your stories. Thank you for tuning into the do life podcast with your host life coach Layla. I really do love and appreciate you guys for being here. Thank you so, so much for sticking with me this long and. And hope you found value and I think it's time for us to go do life lovingly. Have a great day. Bye.